Feeling It

Oh Wow. To be honest. I really thought shit was improving.

Before I randomly babble about Shit. I'd like to say HI out there to anyone who is still reading this shit. Persistance. Good job! :P

1. I was informed that someone had read my blog and laughed. When I was then told why they laughed I definitely laughed harder. The ego that goes behind believeing that I am constantly referencing you is actually laughable. BUT to make you feel better, and so as to not entirely crush your ego. Written below, in a changed font, is written specifially to you. It is how I feel, as I still dont have the courage to send you a text telling you "I'm sorry", so instead I am going to post an entire paragraph directly to you. Feel the love!

**"So. I loved you. More than anyone else. Shit. Scrap that. Start again. I found it remarkably difficult to express how I felt when I was with you, and you still have that power over me. The trust I hold in you. The fact, even when I am feeling my absolute worst I still cannot break my promise to you. Whether thats because I don't want to have to call you and tell you I broke it, or whether it's because I can't break promises to you I'm not sure. But either way it's working. I have spent months wondering if you ever even loved me, or if for you, it was all just some ego trip. Some opportunity to have a girl totally head over heels in love with you. that crushing me afterwards didn't matter cos i didn't matter. I've talked to so many people over the months. So many late night phone calls, so much shit. so much so that now i see you and i feel nothing, i feel nothing before, after or during the time with which you are there. even though you blatantly and childishly ignore me. which in itself is pretty funny. I had a chat with someone the other day, actually yesterday, and she informed me that you loved me. and that you honestly did. Pretty sure i laughed at her. But she was dead serious. Thats when It hit me. He did love me, and I stopped communicating. I was afraid of fucking up my own happiness. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was afraid that if you got to know the real me you'd hate me. What was I thinking? You ALREADY knew me, gosh, you were the only person i talked to. you knew who I was. You knew ME. How could you 'remeet' me and then hate me? Flawed logic. Useless fears. and here I was sabotaging my own happiness.

And here I am. Similar position. Different man. Becoming strong friends. If I FUCK THIS ONE UP. Sigh.... "**

There we are. Hope that stroked your ego enough kind sir. And I hope you see that here i am, willing to admit that it is more than likely that the shit i went through was all my fault. although a little more effort wouldn't have gone astray. I hope the new girl makes you happier than I ever did.

2. So problem two. MAJOR FUCKING PROBLEM. I failed a unit at uni. So shattered. School is like the one thing I am good at. In life. And here i am getting 29 FUCKING PERCENT IN HEALTH? WTF? I knew I did shit in Anthropology of Crime and Violence. Pretty sure I even mentioned in an earlier post that I was pretty sure I had failed. And then it's all suddenly like YES! 50% exactly! I passed my 3rd year subject. I am a legend! Scrolling down, feeling pretty awesome. until i see a 29% in HEALTH!? I feel like I have passed year 12 specialist maths and failed year 5 english! It's just completely blown me over. So here I am, online. Applying for my trimester 3 subjects and instead of taking an elective. Like I had hoped, I'm opting to retake Understanding Health. The easiest subject I HAVE EVER EVER SEEN. With the hope of passing this time. So annoyed. Way to throw everything, all my detailed plans, down the fucking drain.

3. I have a crush. It's horrible... I don't have crushes. EVER. Gosh. I feel silly. He walks into the room and i light up like a bloody christmas tree. It's ridiculous. I hear my phone get a message and I hope it's him, I open facebook. Notifications, inbox messages, anything and I hope it's him. Even a bloody poke and I hope it's him. I see his brother, and smile thinking of him. Thats all I can say. Cos i feel stupid having a high school crush...

4. Quitting a job. Bye Bye cleaning lady. Your $10 an hour just can't make up for a 29%. EVER.

5. Drawing again. Maybe I should do an art, like visual art, unit at uni... stress less?

Umm...

Thats it really. For now.

Oh, and it was my birthday last week. Now 19. ... yay :)