Again We Rise

So, another near fail at uni. Pretty sure I've failed my topic -'Anthropology of Crime and Violence', and I barely passed my Criminology essay. So now, to be honest, feeling like shit.

Pretty sure I'm going to quit my cleaning job. I can't keep scraping by at uni like this. i take my study really seriously, and here i am just epically flunking out. FML. Far out, doing well at uni is really important to me, doing well in life is what keeps me sane, keeps me fighting.

But hey. This week has been good. So first off I had this Formal that i've been all excited about, My date looked really good (the cutie he is), and his friends were really nice to me. Basically it was a good night. Hilarious moment of the night as follows:

Drunk friends (and for purpose of this blog, named R): "You know B! I knew what you looked like before you came to the formal..."

Me: 'Really R? Facebook stalking me were you? :P"

R: "Nahhh! A (formal date) told me that his girlfriend... *awkward giggle* OMG! I didn't mean that, Don't tell A! Promise, I made a mistake... *B nods* Okay, A said that his formal partner was called Bianca Jones and to check out your pictures on facebook"

Me: "So you stalked my photos?"

R: "Yeah"

A: "R??!! Are you down there?"

R: "Omg! Don't hurt me! I didn't mean to tell her, I promise"

A: **confused look**

Me: Dieing of laughter!

hilarious slip of the tongue right there

So yeah That night was sweet, then I also GOT MY 4TH DAN! HELL YEAHH! :P

Then Friday night I went to a friends 21st, which was good fun. So all in all not a bad week. Turning 19 this week! :)

i've been worried about a friend for the past couple of months. Couldn't find her anywhere. was calling every day, texting, facebooking. but she was nowhere. i contacted her mum, got the right number and continued calling every day. until today. she finally texted me. and i finally found her. thank fucking god! Only took a couple of months!

I've also been talking heaps to another friend. he's been having heaps of girl issues. like every girl he's liked has just taken him for a ride, and it's shit cos he deserves so much better. he's one of the most beautiful guys i have ever met, and girls just totally use and abuse him. and then, whats worse, is that you try and be there for him. you try and be the support he needs to get through, and you think he's understanding. but the more and more you tell him, the more and more you trust him. the more and more i back away, and worry that he'll just be another guy, like all the others who use and abuse me. when i know him really well. i know what he's thinking, i know what he wants, what he likes, what he dreams for but i'm too bloody scared to tell him what i want. what i like, what i dream for. i can fucking tell this blog, which he could be reading, but i can't just tell him. it's stupid. i know he wont use and abuse me. he knows what thats like, i know he wont just take what i say and throw it in the mud. stomp all over it as if it means nothing to him. gosh, he listens to me, he seems to value my feedback, my comments. he values me.

as long as i don't fall for him

i don't need that. i dont need a crush. fuck i want a boyfriend. i want someone there for me. but i don't need one. i dont need the drama. the fall out. the loss. the depression cycles. the shit that comes with every guy. fuck that.

can't stand to be alone...

Take a Breath and Softly Say Goodbye

So. No postings for a while, and nothing to report... Such a boring person! haha

But! I have a formal tomorrow, so definitely give you the rundown Friday morning once I have awoken from my drunken haze. For now, I will leave you merely with poems I have writtten, none of which relate to any people, they are amigious! :D

Why is the world so rich
whilst all the people die?
Why is the land so dry
whilst all the people cry?

How can we let life go
without even a fight?
How can we stay afloat
when it's easier to let go?

Doesn't anyone wonder?
Doesn't anyone care?
What about the constant pain?
What about the constant lives slain?

Doesn't anyone notice?
Couldn't anyone spare?
Just one cent, one thing
To help save another?

Selfish
Lies
Broken
Lives

Meet our world
Corrupted, alone
In its own Isolation
When all we have to do is try

I let them read
See my thoughts
They take with greed
Shinning in their dishonest eyes

I try to run
I try to hide
They find it fun
To hurt my pride

I spend so much time
Use all my effort
They laugh and laugh
At all my work

I hate these people
I hate this life
Everything so depressing
Everything so wrong

Let me go
Help you see
That there is more to life
Than hurting me

I sat on the ground
Isolated, alone
For no-one notices
The girl with the crooked eyes

Leave us alone, I hear girls cry
You only like us for our legs
Our breasts, our looks
Not for us

I turned away
I tried to run
But I saw nowhere to turn
Only could I hear
Only could I cry
For no-one notices
The girl with the crooked eyes

Leave you alone?
To us they won’t near the others
Screamed. And why?
Cos our hair isn’t right?

It was then I cried
At least they knew where they stood
I knew, I sighed
No-one could Love the girl with the crooked eyes

I watched him from across the room
His blue eyes moving ever so slow
His body rippled beneath his shirt
But he'll never notice me

His smile bright by day
The same smile somewhat quiet by night
He brushed his locks from his face
But he'll never notice me

Me, the girl who can't speak out
For shyness rules my speech
Me, the girl with the crooked eyes
For sight lacked in each

His muscular hand I wanted in mine
I wanted his touch, his love
I knew, I sighed
He'll never notice me

Me the girl who knew his name
But will never speak it
Me, the girl who had no fame
But wished he didn't need it

How I wished he'd notice me
Maybe one day he shall
But never, oh never
Will he love me

Okay, So thats it, I'm sick of being alone, i'm tired of feeling like there is noone there for me anymore, and even if there was, that they don't really care about me. I know that there are people there, and that this is just some passing phase where i am, yet again, seeing the negative in everything and not wanting to see the positive.

Problem: I don't want everyone's pity, i don't want the nice inbox messages telling me to fight through, or asking me if i'm okay! Of course i'm okay, if i wasn't okay i wouldn't be blogging, i wouldn't find the strength to blog, i wouldn't bother. it wouldn't be worth it. Of course i'm going to fight through. haven't i been doing so for ages. i have been fighting the low times since at least the divorce, or it could have started with the abuse. i don't know. but i know i'm going to keep fighting. ive got nothing more to lose.

i know people are just trying to be there for me. show me that i'm not alone. but their sympathy isn't what i want. i just want a friend. someone who can treat me like a normal person, and chill out, or invite me out. someone who doesn't act like im a baasket case. sigghhh

maybe i'm just asing for too much?

I'm tired of Running, I'm tired of Hurting

I wonder if anyone even reads this blog... :P

Oh well, it is still good posting for myself.

So I have to write an essay about what Taekwondo means to me.

First draft right here!!! :D

When asked to write this essay I thought it’s be easy! Taekwondo has been a major aspect of my life for the past 15 – 16 years, so one would think writing about it would be simple. However, as I began marking off the aspects of Taekwondo that affect many, I began to see that the grain of Taekwondo runs much deeper through me than it being merely a hobby, a pastime, a sport.

Taekwondo is more than a sport, more than a fitness regime, more than poomse or sparring competitions, more than medals, grading and dans, more than competition. More than pride, ore than failure, more than winning. Taekwondo is more than a hobby, a pastime. It’s worth more than the blood, the sweat and the tears.

Many quit Taekwondo after they obtain their black belt, after they win the gold, once their life has become too hectic. Many leave once they have achieved all they set out to achieve, once they are done. Many set specific Taekwondo goals that once achieved the sport means so much less to them.

I have set goals throughout my Taekwondo career, and I have achieved them. To gain my Black Belt, to train for competitions, to compete to the best of my ability. But there is one goal I have set, which entails many milestones, many obstacles and many triumphs. To be the best person I can be.

I can’t be that person without Taekwondo.
If life had been different, and 16 years ago Mum hadn’t met Bernie and I hadn’t started this sport I now claim to be such a major part of my life, I believe I’d be a very different person now.

No self-confidence, self-loathing, lack of self-control, insecure, sensitive.

Taekwondo has given me more than a black belt, more than a ribbon on my wall, more than the recognition.
Through all the blood, sweat and tears (lots and lots of tears!) Taekwondo has created a stronger person. Has created someone I am proud to be. The sport, more specifically the people, has been there for me as I faced major challenges in life. They have been there for me on my darkest days, during my hardest struggles and I am forever indebted.

Taekwondo means more than the world to me. For it is a major part of my world and whilst I try hard to complete another major milestone in my Taekwondo career I am no where near completing my goal of being the best person I can be, and therefore I have another 15 years ahead.

Take a Deep Breath.

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors

It's the morning of your very first day of a new life

of a new beginning

it's the chance you've been looking for

the opportunity to fight the mold you're living in,

and take a new step into the new future

I have a new future to look forward to (moving out of home)
hope for the future
new friends
new aspirations
and can pull away from the hated years
can pull away from the high school times
be the person i always wanted to be
if i'm careful to look before i fall
and to know who i'm supposed to be.

but i wont fall for the terrible moulds people place me in
im not supposed to be anyone.
anyone at all

except for me
and thats the only person i will be
me and forever more

so here i am on the edge of a new life
taking a leap of faith
forcing myself to throw away the heavy baggage on my thin shoulders
forcing myself to take my hair down look after myself.
do what i want and not what others want to be

me staring into the void of taekwondo training.
knowing i want to go back to where i was
before before life took over before this void of unhappiness and stress started eating away at me the time when it was my escape,
my happiness

had first training session this weekend.

smiled

had first shift where i didnt care

smiled

trained for 4th dan

smiled

spent time with BB

smiled.

All I need now is my Romeo....
But I need to remember that i'm not a princess,
and that this isn't a fairy tale.

I'm naieve, i don't have a chance
but i still think i love you
even though you're an ass
and i hate you.

you lost me
i am now floating in a void of depression
and unhappiness cos i cannot delete you from my life
short time
big effect
you effected me more than you should have
more than you deserved to be allowed to
fuck you.

but you ass
it's too late to catch me now...

but new people
new love
you don't know it yet
but i'm gunna find someone, someday thats going to actually treat me well
like i deserve
and maybe one day you'll notice me
and think of me
in the same way i think of you.

Hey! Can't have it all can we...

There's So Much I Need To Say...

Short Blog today -- why? Cos I'm at work, should be sorting out receipts and cleaning shit, not writing the things on my mind. but meh... haha

Why do the people who you care about and consider chose friends, forget about you?
So you spend the weekend after weekend sitting at home, or traveling to your grandma's just so you don't feel completely alone. and yet you still do.

Why is it that you just want someone there beside you, someone holding you when you feel alone, someone thinking of you when you're buried deep in the shit of life? Someone there to catch you when you fall, and yet everyone you have found has been the one who caused the fall, even after they promised they wouldn't.

Why is it that you dream of having security, of love, of a family.
The hope that one day you'll have your own. and not be left to dream and hope with merely a career and many court cases to follow. That one day you can stop being the dependable, good little girl who always does what people expect. who stays at home and merely dreams of better times. who doesn't stumble home drunk at god forsaken hours. who hasn't forgotten where she's come from and where she is going but who feel just as lost. and who hates the journey. To think that all one needs is understanding, is for someone to see them. To be less invisible. To not be the girl you've always been, and to be someone people actually notice. But at the same time, not be someone notices as the good girl who went crazy. of the girl who was lost to everyone. Why can't people notice me? Is there something wrong here? Am I lacking in the day to day things people take for granted? Is there something so horribly annoying, something so lacking, something so horrible that including me is just too much for them to handle? Do I really send people away? Am I that embarrassing to acknowledge my friendship? Someone needs to tell me what's wrong? I have spent years searching for the answers. Years hoping for the truth. Instead I sit at home alone, over analyzing my life and hoping to be saved...

Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace

So whilst i can sit there and wallow in my own grief, with my heart full of pain, and my head full of stress and a hand full of anger held in my chest and post depressing blog after depressing blog it's better if I merely describe how i'm feeling, what i'm thinking, how others help me, and pull through. :) because feeling down is all in the mind, and less in reality. dreams are what the heart wants, and what the head thinks it can't achieve. but if one puts there mind to something, they can achieve anything. anything at all.

So i was talking to D today. and he gave me some AMAZING insights that really helped me to put my head back on my shoulders, for me to straighten my back, and to look at the rest of the world, and the rest of my life here on this world with defiance and strength. to think of things with a clearer head, a stronger mindset. he showed me that i had the power to beat away all of life's 'gremlins' and bad-ness with merely one look, to ignore the pain, to bight off more than i can chew, and to chew pretty damn quickly. only diamonds are created under pressure. i might be hurting like hell. i might want the days to just end, and take me with them. i might be spending my days crying my eyes out, curled in the corner of my mum's room, whispering for her to come home and save me from myself. crying for her security. her love. crying for what others can have, what some can't. crying for things i can't change. and crying for the strength to forgive and forget. but as long as i am straight upright. as long as i stand tall with a proud head, with eyes full of passion. full of love. full of fight. i will succeed. i am the running the show. i am the one who has control over MY life. noone else can succeed for me. no matter how hard they are. Be myself as I am the most important thing in my world.

whilst i may feel;

lost

alone

scared

confused

overwhelmed

exhausted with life

nothing to gain, everything to fear.

i know i have the strength to fight through it. i have my friends - no matter how few and far between. i have my family - no matter how dysfunctional and odd. i have myself - no matter how much i dislike what i see. what i see is stronger than many other girls out there. it may have limited good qualities. it does have strength.

till tomorrow. this time for real.. :P

Back to this essay (1,000 words and 15mins to go.. :S)

Love, peace and hopefully one day - happiness.

colour. beauty and joy

<3>

The Feeling One Has Late at Night

"" Define Alone: What you're not. Although it may seem like there is nobody there who cares about you, who is like you, or can be a friend to you, there is someone miles and miles away who would like to be there with you if they knew you were calling."" -- Thankyou Urban Dictionary.

Wow. So apparently I'm not alone. If only this could be proven. I'm chilling in a library, blogging instead of writing my 3,000 word essay, due an hour ago. Wishing for the end, and listening to the Pirates soundtrack. How much of a loser can I be on a Friday night...

A state in which you feel that everything is never right. It is because you're depressed that you continue to be depressed. Often by use by people who think they are depressed when really they just got left by some one who they thought they "loved". When depressed you often lie about your depression saying that everything is okay and nothing is wrong, in which you lie to yourself. Depression is often caused by friends and family. Feeling "alone", but often just surrounded by people who are your "friends", but never understand you. Surrounded by family that tries to help when they see that your depressed, but just end up making it worse. A state can be helped by writing poems, expressing yourself, or finding a hobby. Never let your depression be with you and only you. Let someone know.

Writing Stories should always help, writing helps me to be me. it is something i can do. and pass at doing. Something I don't do wrong. unlike everything else.

So I've been listening to Breaking Benjamin heaps this week (Kudo's to Miss S) and this has, maybe made me feel worse? or better? god knows...

Search for the answers I knew all along
I lost myself, we all fall down
Never the wiser of what I've become
Alone, I stand a broken man

All I have is one last chance
I won't turn my back on you
Take my hand, drag me down
If you fall, then I will too
And I can't save what's left of you

Sing something new
I have nothing left
I can't face the dark without you
There's nothing left to lose
The fight never ends
I can't face the dark without you

Swallow me under and pull me apart
I understand there's nothing left
Pain so familiar and close to the heart
No more, no less; I won't forget

Come back down, save yourself
I can't find my way to you
And I can't bare to face the truth

Sing something new
I have nothing left
I can't face the dark without you
There's nothing left to lose
The fight never ends
I can't face the dark without you

I wanted to forget
I'm trying to forget
Don't leave me here again
I am with you forever, the end

Sing something new
I have nothing left
I can't face the dark without you
There's nothing left to lose
The fight never ends
I can't face the dark without you

Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end
Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end

This song makes me feel alone? and yet, at the same time, so part of this world. and not alone? If only one could understand what all this means?

Stay in school. Stay at home. Dreams are better than reality. Sleep is better than wakefulness. Lost is better than broken. Wishes are better than thoughts.

Quote No 39: This is the part of the beauty of life, you discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone - you belong

Peace, & Night <3