Victims Of Love

So now that I know you're analysing my every word

i can be very specific

as well as non descript

and know you are reading

and hopefully understanding

and learning

I think this is easier than getting me drunk! :P

not that i've got anything against getting drunk! :P

So. basically. to put it bluntly.

i'm afraid to trust

i'm afraid to love

i'm afraid to be me.

i don't like rejection

or judgement

or peoples opinions of me

I'm afraid that if people get to know me they'll run the opposite direction

gosh i make jokes about that to you now

and yet.

i used to be able to just stop thinking

if i liked a guy

i would just not allow myself to think of them

i'm work heaps

study

do anything to keep my mind off them

even when i was dating them

i'd avoid speaking to them

get into trouble for my lack of communication

& then everything ends

and i wonder why i continue making the same mistakes

But i seem to be talking to you still.

In fact.

I seem to think about you all the bloody time

even if it's just a smile to myself about you calling me beautiful

or a slight amount of memory loss from the other night that i am trying in vain to fill. :P

but either way you're always on my mind

i wonder when you're working

when i'll see you next

sigh.

no more talking bianca

time to get offline

and do something with your time

something other than facebook stalking and writing blogs about you.

:)

Although i do kinda miss you already.

x

You Fight Me

Twin love
Oh we are so strange! :)

hating the internet today.

so slow.

guess thats what happens when you chill at maccas.

fighting with the family again

specifically one person

but i don't want to encourage her by saying her name here.

really need to move out of home

delete a major part of stress out of my life

i'm never at home anyway

i'm always bumming off everyone elses life.

which is going to be harder now without a car.

but hey

i'd do anything to life my own way

be my own self

do whatever the fuck i want

instead of always relying on others to help me out

Damn i forget how different i am to the rest of my family

and how much we clash

i forget why i'm avoiding home

until i go home again

and we fight

at least i got people like mama bear to let me stay at hers.

Love my friends

:)

All for now

x

The Messenger

i thnk about you
all day
most days
and i think i'm going crazy
i feel depressed and i remember the nice things you say
like that i'm 'beautiful
or that you care
and i start to smile

is it a problem that thinking of the fact you care keeps me waking up
you're not the only thing that makes me happy
but you are making me happy
and whilst this is definitely good
it also scares me
that i'm allowing someone to have such a manopoly over my emotions
my emotions
i don't even show emotion
let alone allow anyone to make me feel any specific way.

and yet here i am
still fighting off this ever looming haze
it's like a fight against myself, the world and everything ever
it's so tiring
i just want to sleepa dn never wake up
and then i think of what will happen if i never wake up
and i get upset that i'll never see you, and my friends and my family again
and i decide to try harder

i'll pull through
and be a happier person
i hope
i dream
i wish

and if not
then at least i'll die trying!

See you tomorrow
x

Something Else

I feel like i'm changing
growing older
becoming what people expect me to become.
but losing myself.
losing my identity
creating this thing, this person,
that looks like me
has my voice
but isn't me.


i don't know how to find myself again
and find whatever it is that identifies me as a person
instead i'm just drowning in the headlights of lifes judgement
never able to fulfil what people expect
always coming short
never being what people expect or what people want


all of me is just an image
just a surface
is there anything left inside?
or am i just supposed to travel through this mundane life without question.
waiting for the day when it all improves?
x

Living a Dream

watching everything from the other side of the glass
the ever changing scene
beneath my ever the same self
the seasons
the growth
the change
but myself ever the same

it's like watching life
feeling the age
feeling the years
but never learning
never accepting

cycles
bringing you down
keeping you afloat
but never letting you live
you finally trust
finally smile

and they bring you crashing back down to earth
so you are never sure what to believe.
are you really living
or is this all really a dream?
x