Tears don’t fall

Trying to help a friend with life.

Trying to support my own life.

Trying to be there for my younger brothers

Trying to be there for my mum

Trying to be there for my other friends

Trying to smile

Trying not to cry

Trying to bea strong person

Trying to not let others see

It's a never ending effort

It's a never ending fight

Stretching too thin

Don't know how long I can go on like this...

But, keep going till I break apart I suppose.

At least I have moments of Bianca time.

Even though they are fleeting.

They are there.

Just felt the need to enlighten you all with the image that changed my life.

EyeloveyouDavinaFaifer

Had enough

So.
life is shit.
but hey
what can ya do?

Just trying to get by every day.

maccas is the only reason why i get out of bed.

taekwondo is the only reason why i want to be here tomorrow.

friends are the only thing keeping me sane.

& love is something i'm missing.

yay

Overwhelmed

Don't have much to say...

Not much happening.

i feel indifferent

well great whenever i train

indifferent everyother time

just chilling in a warm family room

after eating dinner

and icecream

i want more icecream

and i COULD go buy some

BUT that would mean moving from this house

someone want to bring me some? :)

chilling with a puppy

Kenzi!

cute!

:)

work tomorrow.. ceebs. :

Then an appointment.

then Steph should be coming over

hopefully

:)

wooooottttt

sleeeeeeeeep

x

Speed of Sound

So.
Gold in States
now looking at the cost to go to nationals.
not cheap
and Black Woman wants to come with
beautiful girl
but should be a fun day!
:)

D and G have saved me i think
i have set a goal
i have something to work towards
and i am forever greatful

thankyou

The End

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

I tell Em everything

There is no fear

No distance

No real secrets

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I used to hate it

Now there are parts I like

It's more inside I hate at the moment

But maybe I'll like that one day too?

Watch Over Me

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

My one and only

Your family will pull through

I know its hard

But I'm here

And he will always remember you

You complete him, as does your mum and sister

Whilst his body may let go

And his mind may wander

I know he'll always love you

I'm sorry I wrote this

I know you don’t think or talk about it

But I do

And I love you

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

A pinky promise?

I need to make one of those.

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Sneha

My little beautiful girl

With her upside down smile

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

India

I know that’s not someone

But it's something

Where I faced many someone's

Like Sneha

And many others

But if I have to say one person

It'd be Bernie.
He's been there for me, always

And means more to me than I think he knows.

Dirty Little Secrets

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

I judge everyone by my first impression

I usually trust it to

Sometimes I ignore it

And begin to trust people I told myself not to

And then I get hurt

So I'm learning to trust my first impression.

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

I wanted to give you a second chance

And be friends

But then you began to back stab me

So sorry. But your second chance is up

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Some random

At some bar

Called Pat

Before that, Alex.

That one actually meant something to me. But some things just aren't meant to be I suppose

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

My favourite memory

I wonder what that actually is

I don’t know what it is.

But I'm sure it was caused by my family.

Pulling Teeth

I mowed the lawn today.

Blisters on my hands

But I feel much lighter

Like I had to much pent up energy and frustration

And so I just exercised and let it all out

The blisters feel amazing

Like all the hard work meant something

I need to train tonight

Do my patterns intensely

Feel the energy pumping around

Get annoyed at myself

Rebuild my energy

My anger

My frustration

So it all build up again

And tomorrow I'm just exploding with anger

So I'm strong

I'm amazing

And I do my best.

How To Save A Life

So,

I owe D so much

He, yet again, saved my ass!

I'm not registered as a TA member, so technically I can't compete tomorrow..

So I called him

Asked him for help

He's already giving me the badge to wear tomorrow

And now he's lying to let me compete

What an amazing person

He deserves to be thanked

thankyou D

You have truly helped to save a moment

I Can't Wait Forever

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

John! :)

He taught me to tie my shoelaces

He made me special

He would play dress ups with me

And always understand what I was trying to say

We were friends, unconditionally

I miss childhood.

Before life became confusing, grownup.

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

There is no specific person.

I like being me

I just don't like me at the moment

But I don’t like anyone else for that matter

So I'd rather be me than them any day.

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Pesters my mind?

Lots of things 'pester' my mind.

But no specific person.

I suppose that’s a good thing

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Besides my dad?

Or is he counted?

Well surprisingly it'd be him

Or Chloe.

Surprising really.

Everyone mentions ex's.

And the way men break your heart.

Well mine are family, and a best friend.

I never get close enough to men for them to break me.

Crazy

I wonder if anyone notices a reoccurring pattern in all of my blogs.

Nothing major

Not a behavior pattern

Or a black and white picture theme

Just a music titled title.

Every single title is; named the name of a song… or the line in a song. :P

Love The Way You Lie

Anger.

It's a hard thing to describe.

Something that consumes you, fills your mind with hate, with red, with total oblivion to reality. Something that takes over, so you can no longer control your thoughts, your actions, you. Something that stops you from feeling anything else. You lose all compassion, all love, all empathy. Everything.

All you have is an all consuming fog. It takes over your mind, your heart, your entire being.

And then it holds you. For days on end. Until you're numb. Until you no longer care if the threats are carried through. Until you just want that object of your anger to go away. To leave you in your mind.

But there are two types of anger. Those that are internal, and those that are external. The all consuming anger that is aimed at the world. Aimed at society, aimed at moral concepts, aimed at yourself. Why should you conform to what people believe? She calls you a pretentious spoilt bitch, and what does she have to prove that you are? And then there is the anger aimed at a person, a specific anger. Something that usually disappears when the person you're angry at leaves.

The person who has upset you, or angered you, or called you names that are ridiculous and degrading has left the fucking building. The person who has shown you absolutely no appreciation for anything. Ignored all those years where she couldn't cope with reality, all those nights where she has forgotten that her two little boys are hungry. Those nights where he son hits her daughter and then just fucks off. And where her daughter just wipes away her tears and makes dinner for the little ones. Those nights where her once husband treats her kids like crap, but her daughter never asks for help. She's just forgotten all those times her once husband calls and abuses her, abuses her children, and her daughter just takes it all on the chin. Stays strong for the others. The nights where her daughter believes she needs a night out to be herself, to begin a new life, so her daughter stays at home with the little boys.

All forgotten.

All past memories.

All a waste of time. Because now her daughter is a spoilt, inconsiderate, pretentious little bitch. Someone expendable. Someone that once you get bored of you can just throw away with the garbage.

And the worst type of anger. The one that consumes you for days. The one which makes you the hating, angry person you are. The anger that sits in your gut until you feel sick. The anger that you swallow, you don't let out and you just let slowly take over you. Both mixed together.

The anger where you are so angry at the world, all the people in it and reality. The anger where you just want to yell and scream and punch something.

All consuming.

All timeless

People say that holding onto anger is dangerous. That it’s the worst someone could do holding anger in their gut. Waiting for it to subside. I wonder if it ever does. It seems to remain. Sitting there, taunting, hunting. Its something you have to feed, control and keep alive.

The Young & The Hopeless

Random Stories
Cos I can
and cos if my computer crashes
i can always get them back this way. :P

************************************************************************

I watched as a tear fell onto the poem in front of me. My hand shook as I remembered the numerous trips to the emergency wing, my father by my side telling the doctors that it was an ‘accident at home’ again. Slowly I speak to the lady sitting in front of me. And then, it all comes flooding back.

His anger as I argue. I was just being a regular teenager, who stamps her feet and refuses to feed the dogs with a pout. But who still heads toward the fridge without further ordeal. But to him, I am fighting the authority. The fridge door cracks upon my fingers, I feel them crack, the tin slicing into my soft fingertips. The pain unbearable. He pulls me backwards, ripping my fingers from the fridges grasp, feeling the bone crumble. One big shove. A small 20kg girl flies across the kitchen, my arm breaking my fall, against the cupboards. I back away, his anger bigger than life, as he walks towards me. Clenched fists, clenched teeth. Ready to strike. And then my brother intervenes, he stands in front of my cowering body, as I hold three broken fingers and torn ligaments in my arm. “Enough” he says, his voice barely audible beyond the screams. But it’s enough to stop him. I watch as he notices what he has done. The horror of his actions. I snap back to reality.

At the sound of my gasp, the lady turns. Her eyes ask me to tell her of my flash back. But her actions remind me merely of another time.

Screams. And my father lifting my brother by the neck. His little legs fighting back, his mop of blonde hair bright against his now purpling face. My screams echoing in my own ears, as I stand, helpless on the trampoline. Not able to fight for my brother as he has once fought for me. And in horror I watch as he throws my little brother across the lawn. His little face colliding with the river rocks. The cuts around his eyes, they’ll be covered with the excuse of “I fell whilst helping dad with the gardening” but the pain mirrored in his deep blue eyes forever.

The lady now asks why I do not speak to my father. I roll my eyes at her, dismissing the simple questions. Beginning a debate on whether my actions are correct, whether my dismissive attitude towards my father is the reason for my lack of love and connection. If I had been born into a loving family, what would have happened?

***************************************************************************

The land opens and I am sucked inwards. The blood rushes to my head and I am captured in the amazing emotions of the situation. I loose all sense of reality, of human thought. I loose all control, all ability to care for myself. And I am weak, in his arms. His lips interlocked with mine and his hand on my cheek. I am lost, forever in the world foreign to me. A world where I smile. A world where I want nothing more than to be sitting with him. Hearing every breath, every heart beat. Nothing else can interrupt this moment. For I am now content.

I am weak, to his strength. He seems to have so much confidence, so much experience in the journey we together face. Whereas I am new. I am young. And I am scared for what I am to experience, who I am becoming.

This relying upon another, this understanding that his strength can help me through what I am facing. This mutual agreement to be there for one another, always. This overall belief that we have a future to look forward to, where we will be there for one another. When all hope is gone, when all the burns begin to hurt, we know that the other is there to make sure we are never alone, that they’ll hold us till all the hurt is gone.

But I’m scared. That what I am experiencing is all merely a dream and that there is actually no hope for our future. That I am actually imagining every minute of every day and that in a blink of an eye I may loose it all. I am too scared to sleep, because I don’t want to wake from my dream. This happiness is foreign. That he doesn’t like me, but is merely a figment of my imagination. Nothing is solid. Nothing is real. Everything is imagined.

I feel my doubt washing away. He steps towards me, his lips full. His eyes, their emerald green, piercing my soul. Collapsing my lungs. I breathe deeply as I watch him watch me. His arms encircle my hips, and we slowly dance to our own music. His chin on my head. My head placed against his heart. Me, relaxed in his embrace. His kisses down my neck. And back up again.The intense feelings of content powerlessness.

****************************************************************************

Can't Let You Go

and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this

except for the fact it's merely an aim

not reality

joy

happiness

laugher

Running Back

So
interesting couplea days

i signed up for the state championships which are, this weekend (sunday in fact)
signed up cos i felt like it
happy about my choice

started learning new pattern, on sunday
problem: have to compete with that pattern... :P
positive: nearly have it down pat
went to training in Port Phillip yesterday.
got annoyed at how many mistakes i was making
and how she changed all of my own style
'bigger stances, long legs, make it bigger'
i say the same thing to others
but i felt mine were technically correct
shoulder width apart for back stance
strong forward stances
but no..
:\

mainly annoying cos i'm not going to be able to change it before sunday
so i'm going to compete with what i have
contact greg
maybe get back into proper intense greg training

was considered to run the poomse group at malvern
real honour
felt bad, cos it would mean that i would be taking over D
but he told me not to feel bad
and that he'd help me
and that its all good
that means alot to me
i want to be able to do this
not for the money
or the acknowledgement
but cos i can
cos im able to...

hmm so next bit of news
Em factor has a formal tonight
so pumped for her
hair and makeup time later

spent last night with Unit
mad night
her spare bed is amazing
and if she's not careful i AM going to steal it! :P

dinner on tuesday with Ben
should be good
being given a routine for how to look after puppy, and kitten,
and then moving in the week after
2 weeks
1 house to myself
no family
no busyness
just me, a puppy and a kitten
yes!

at uni now
about to head to my HBS110 Health Behaviour tutorial.. :\ ceebs
then a HPS206 tutorial,
then the psych study
then i get to see the marvellous
amazing
fantastic
Em

So yeah
busy
but giant improvement

:) Happy Memories

Before The Worst

I'll continue my list later...

Today i just feel like talking

about nothing

about life

about change

change is something people really struggle with

especially me

i struggle to change my views on people

i struggle to forgive

i struggle to understand

but i have made a difference in my own life

i have seen the positives

I am competing in the State champs on Sunday

not for anyone

not because i want to finally be recognised for what i can do

but because i want to

because i can

and because i deserve to prove to myself that i can do it

i can compete well

show everyone that bianca still has it

i just offered J at the Port Phillip branch of MTC some help 3 days a week

i love taekwondo

i love the kids

i love their smiles

and their hopeful looks

the way they want me to show them whats right and worng

and how i can genuinely have an effect

i recieved a late birthday present

a beautiful silver necklace

and it was the gift that meant something

not the price tag still attached ($65)

of the beauty of the necklace

or even the sentimental value

but it's that he remembered me

that i existed

for the first time in years

i've been asked to go to a presentation night at the library

for a short story competition i entered out of boredom

hoping for good news

but not worried if i don't get any

just glad i tried

feeling the most positive i have in months

years maybe

but this could just be a good moment

before i fall down again

sighh

life is so unpredictable

but at least i know that i want to be here tomorrow.

Twisted Logic

So a handful more from my list,

and maybe some more later, if I find the time.

12. The person you hate the most/caused a lot of pain
There are two people under this heading;

Robert; For leaving me, for making me feel

insignificant,

unloved,

unwanted.

For leaving his 14 year old daughter fatherless,

for not allowing me to grow as others grew.

For making me believe that I was worthless, unable to love or be loved.

For making me the untrusting, numb, cold and scared girl I am today.

Chloe; You know who you are.

You made me feel wrong, bad, insignificant.

You led me to believe I was deserving of the abuse,

that I was deserving of pain and anguish.

That I wasn’t worth the energy.

You helped me to become the person I am today,

someone so lost and alone.

Someone who has cut off all her friends because facing them is too hard.

Someone who fights it alone,

because trusting someone enough to fight alongside them is too hard.

13. Someone you wish could forgive you.

I’m not quite sure if I have ever done something so bad that I need to be forgiven.

Something which has caused someone great pain,

something that has affected someones life in a negative way

and caused them to become someone they originally wouldn’t have.

But perhaps I have, and perhaps I’m too selfish to notice. This is likely.

So I am sorry.

I am sorry to anyone who I have unintentionally or intentionally hurt in any way.

I am sorry for my words, for my cruel ways and for my unforgiving nature.

I hope you can see that I am a selfish person who is unable to see my own weaknesses, and find it in your heart to forgive me.

14. Someone you’ve drifted away from.

I’ve drifted away from so many of you. I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’m new. And I can’t go back to how I was.

15. Someone you miss the most.

Saatvika Kantemneni, Talia Tiffany & Hannah Reid, I love you all dearly. Thinking of you fills my heart and mind with great memories, fun times and happiness. I think of the warm waters in Goa, the strong rains in Kodai, the mist circling through the dining halls open windows, and the tears the monsoons would bring as the rain dampened our spirits with memories of what we were missing at home. I think of the failed volleyball classes where S & I were partnered as neither of us could play, the joys of Toad of Toad Hall, the afternoons with Dash, Carnivals, tea, Mahab, Tour, the jokes, the fun times with Lukas, Hugo, John R, Frank, Preeti and many others and the sleepless nights. Oh How I miss you all.

16. Someone not in your state/country.

The list could go for miles.

All the ones I love;

India

Germany

America

England

Adelaide ;)

And everywhere else, you all know where you are, who you are. And remember, my thoughts are forever with you. <3

So it’s been ages since my last post, thought I should make this one a long, drawn out one that ensures I fill you all in with whats been happening in the boring, tired and dull life of myself. J

Uni. Taekwondo. Illness. Work. Night with my B girls. That’s about it! I would blog about fights I’ve had, decisions I have made and why, reasons behind my actions. I would blog about how I am feeling towards certain people, towards their obvious bitching. I would blog about how I feel towards the rumours going around the old Carey group, the people I once considered my close friends, my people, my life. The people who once stood on my side, as the bullying from other Carey Grammarians grew, the people who meant the world to me. The people who are now siding against me, doing the bullying, and expect me to continue being the passive person I am and just take it. Normally I would try to analyse why, why someone would put in effort, and then use my words against me. I would even normally go to my B girls or the Em Factor and bitch about it for hour on end. Filling buckets with my tears, and truckloads with my fury. But this time I haven’t said a word, I have merely listened as they have informed me of the bitching, as I growl in anger, but stomach it. As I have set them straight on my perspective of these given situations and have known that they may choose the others. But this time, I refuse to stop to the level of my once friends. I refuse to be seen in the light they are all painting me in. and I refuse to take the bait. So i’m not going to blog about it. I’m just going to be about it.

Besides, I have much bigger things to worry about. Like this father issue. This man, ignores me for a good 6 years. 6 years of me waiting, wanting him to show me something. Hoping that one day he’ll realise that I mean something to him, hoping that one day he’ll wake up and think about me, want to have something to do with me. After his illness I resigned to the idea that there is nothing there, and that if he doesn’t make it through, that I did my best. I was there, I was obtainable, I was real. I never totally ran. He knew that. I was always the one who answered the phone, asked him how he was even though I knew he’d just blatantly ignore me. Or call me names. But I did try. And now, once I’ve finally resigned to it. I’ve finally noticed and agreed that he’ll never care, and that I can deal with that, here he is, stirring the already boiling pot. Hoping that I will tip. Hoping that he can weasel his way into my life. The life I have spent years trying to build. And I have to let him back. He’s my dad.