Goodbye

bought a diary today

lockable

private

signing out of here

for good. 

For my readers

if you want to read more

email me

facebook me

and ill let ya know how im going

otherwise

im out

gone

disappeared

blogger - we had a good run

but maybe its time for me to keep my private life private

and spill all my beans into my diary

just for my eyes only. 

xx

Ask DNA

Living in Doncaster for 3 weeks (ish)

Maybe go spend sometime in Preston, maybe a week out of the 3.

Break from the family.

Stress me out a little they do

but hey

it's DNA

we're all the same

crazy

a little self centred

exciteable

Sometimes I just need the peace of an empty house.

a sleeping puppy

a bit of music

and a good, long, hot shower.

followed by tea.

May even get some study done tonight before bed

feeling a little relaxed

although concerned about the 40min trek to work.

compared to the usual 30 mins

especially since I'm usually late when I only need to travel 30...

haha

Feeling pretty good

and relaxed

maybe even happy.

fun friends times

glad im slowly rebuilding my social life, again. :D

x

One Minute

I just need to stop

for one minute

to enjoy my surrounds

but there is no time

deadlines

assignments

competitions

dates

love

"change nothing

the future is in

close the door. 

wear a name

be the same

take some more."

I don't want to change anymore

i just want to be me

and not need to change

find a niche

somewhere where bianca as bianca is accepted

where people don't need me to change. 

i'm glad my boyfriend loves me for me

or i would be stuck at square one. 

im just tired. 

again

Beautiful Place

I am so happy

just feeling really positive

found my camera

getting through my assignments

house hunting

found so many places that look amazing

Rebel and I should be well set

Affordable

central

comfortable

private.

not a share home.

feeling confident for nationals

self defence

jitae.

awesome

feeling comfortable in my relationship

a few things bother me

but nothing worth dwelling over

i love him

he loves me

what more can one ask for?

black tea

malteasers

smiles

and uni work

my night is complete.

xx

smiles all round.

Welcome to the Jungle

I'm not even sure what i am going to write here.

Everything just seems a little overwhelming lately.

heaps of assignments due

overwhelmed with uni

work

im rather unwell

antibiotics

trying to avoid antibiotics cos they arent that good for you

at all.

and then my relationship

dont worry

i wont change it for the world!

I love my boyfriend

more than i have ever loved anyone

and he brings me such happiness

but now it's settling

and we're starting to be a comfortable couple

and this scares me

should it scare me?

that we just chill and watch movies

or go out to parties

but that we don't run around crazy on magical budget dates

or we don't do things on a whim

or that we're just comfortable

the honey moon excitement period worn off

no more exciting randomness.

i miss it

and it scares me that it's gone

it's a good thing though

i've never gotten to this stage in a relationship

a happy, content and comfortable relationship

where we communicate

and speak about the future

and enjoy one another

but where has the magic gone?

I think i should speak to him

and bring it back

budget dates

running under sprinklers

eating cake in the dark

summers coming back

along with the warmth

and long holidays

where we can stay up all night eating

and run under sprinklers

and spend nights at the beach.

Can you have both?

exciting

and

comfortable?

if not; i'd choose comfortable.

any day

cos i don't want to lose what i have.

peace x

Drowning in Denial

I suppose I can't deal with these ups and downs

one min im laughing and enjoying life

the next i just want to bury my head in the sand

so behind in uni

losing weight again

missing my bf

just wanting to defer uni

go away

run far away

and enjoy a break

but ill soldier through

live it tough

finish this degree

and then run

get a job in another state

where i have to start fresh

hopefully i wont lose the one i love

hopefully we can run off together

both chasing careers

but together

hopefully i can always be with him

happy

in his arms

and safe.

but for now.

back to uni

no more drawing

and study

cos there is no time for dreams

reality is too close

i feel better for writing.

xx

The Best is Yet to Come

At uni

Spending quality time with Miss S.

It's been a while since we chilled at uni.

Been a while since I laughed as much as last night

I had so much fun

If I strive to smile and laugh anywhere near to that every day

My future is looking bright..

As said by Stacey Kent: "The Best is Yet to Come"

xx

Chasing Cars

Chasing dreams

Chasing reality

Chasing life.

Never feeling like you can pull ahead.

Always just slightly behind the goal you wish to achieve

But why should that matter to me.

Why do I want to live life in the fast lane.

Spending my days and years trying to catch up with everything that's infront

not enjoying the day as it goes by

loving the special moments

the moments that make me smile

deep within my heart.

i have amazing friends

favourite people

and a man

a man who is strong, beautiful and deep

a man who thinks deeply and carefully before he makes decisions

a man who wont take me for granted

a man who i love

deeply

truthfully

carefully

and happily

I have a constant (very very constant) job

I have a uni career that is struggling

and a heart that is no longer broken

at yet i still strive to be the best

and to not fall behind

struggling when i dont need to be

enjoy life please

i need to learn how to.

cos i am sick of running around and around in circles

always ending up where i was when i started

and never looking back...

time to pick a new route

learn

smile and grow

xx

Sleep

I want to go home

I've had enough of this now

I just want to hide out in my room

and not feel like I have to be social.

Blergh.

Bit negative today

maybe it's bedtime.

I miss you babe

xx

Love is Rare

I don't even know what I'm thinking.
Why am I planning these things?

Even if it is only my dreams
Honestly. What's wrong with me?
Sigh!

I shouldn't be planning this far ahead.
I shouldn't be wanting to do this.
I shouldn't be excited by this when it doesn't even exist yet!

Sigh Bianca,
you are seriously a case for sore eyes!

:P

x

Lost In Stereo

"And I'm just like cellophane,

Cos she see's right through me
I know she's glitter and gold
And that's just the price I pay
When I don't even know her name
She's slipping away"


All Time Low
Depressing
Good when I feel as I do


Good nights out
Fun times
Too tired to take part
Leave early
upset I miss out
but I just feel like I will bring a downer to the night
Wish I could be happy like all them



but instead I'm fighting my low's again
I WILL win this time
I'm fighting for more than just myself this time
I have too much to lose
I worked to hard to get to where I am.



I think I'm just working myself too hard
Can't wait till June is over
Savings,
Hopefully no more maccas
or at least only once a week again

back to sleep

Perhaps sleep will make a difference
Then I wont be so sensitive
Instead, I'll have control over my emotions.


Maybe
:S


Peace
Night

Emenala

Sitting in SMG's house

writing this cos i can,

and i have nothing better to do

im stressed

tired

and stressed

and worried that i scared you away

worried that with my stupid stupid actions i scared you off

and now you wont want to see me anymore

maybe that in itself is stupid

sigh

i love you

Running to Stand Still

I sort of feel like everything I do is worthless

Like I'm not feeling down or anything mildly depressed like I usually do

It’s more that I can’t seem to do anything right

I’m over $1,000 in debt, and I have no means to make up the difference.

I would get another job, just for a few months to help me sort it out, but I just honestly don’t have the time to. And I can’t afford to let uni slip again.

They’re already threatening to kick me out…

Another job will just add more pressure.

So then I ask maccas for more shifts,

But I don’t honestly know when I could fit that in either

I need sleep

A social life

I can never seem to get ahead

Have money and not constantly have so many outgoings.

I spend more than I earn

But I don’t own much

I don’t know what I do

Sabotage things?

But it’s not only money

I just can’t be bothered with anything anymore

I’m just working and doing uni

And then cos I feel so empty I see Andrew

Who lightens my day

My life

Everything

I shouldn’t be relying on him to be my helping hand

I should be able to do it myself

And just enjoy his company

I just feel like a burden to all those who I talk to

It’s not fair on them

I’m horrible company

Tired

Poor

And I can’t seem to see anything but the negative in most situations

I try and see the positive, but that shouldn’t be a struggle.

Whets mostly confusing is that I’m not feeling depressed, or even down

In fact I’m feeling really happy

I guess its best when I don’t think

When I don’t delve into the strange negativity that is in my head

And instead just enjoy the life I live

The life I keep

And the joy I feel day to day

So here I am

Pressing the off button to my brain

Merely looking at the things that make me happy

Smiling at pictures

Looking forward to seeing you tonight

And writing my essays

I think of the fact we’re finally hitting 3 months on Sunday

And that I’m buying you a present (and paying America $10 for losing that bet ;) )

The fact that this is the best relationship I’ve had

That I’m not behind in uni (yet) but actually ahead

That I have a job

A car

A supportive family and an amazing best friend

That I can afford to slowly pay my debt

That this month will be ultra tight

And next month too

But that I should be back on my feet by June

Back to having money in my account

In my savings.

In fact. By July it’ll be nearly 6 months

Uni exams will be over (my work should have paid off)

I’ll be turning 20, you 21.

Maybe I’ll be heading to Malaysia for Taekwondo

And maybe everything will be back on the straight and narrow

So no more complaining

Just get on with it.

xx

No More Sorrow

Wow.
Nothing since March 3rd.
Thats a long time for me.
Especially since I used to write like.. daily.


Been another hectic month


car accidents
debt
letter
threats
illness
no sleep


but none of it matters
all of it is minimal
i can cope with it
why?


cos im still happy
sickeningly happy


im waiting for the fall
but i dont want it to come

same as im waiting for it to end
but REALLY dont want it to


i really care about you
and im happy that i finally found you
thankyou.


<3

All is Whole

No blog for a while.

Wonder why

Cos I'm happy

Terribly happy

Sickeningly happy

I told him I'm falling in love with him the other day

Massive

But I am

And I'm proud to admit it

Life is great

Complete

And I'm happy

All The Small Things

Deakin Uni
You're amazing
Just recieved this email

"confirming that the following adjustments will be implemented for you.

You will be allowed an additional 15 minutes per hour writing time.
Your examination paper will be in large print.
You will be allowed to take rest breaks any time during the examination, but be limited to 30 minutes in total for each examination.
You can stand, stretch, move around during your rest breaks if needed.

It has also been noted that you are scheduled for 2 examinations in the one day, so your afternoon examination on the 23 February will be moved to the 24 February.

Also, your examination venue for all of your exams will be altered. You will now sit your examinations in a smaller examination venue. You will receive this information in the mail soon."

Way to make my life easier.

Thankyou <3
:)
x

Butterflies & Hurricanes

I miss you.
so i'm stalking you on fb
normally i wouldn't miss you this much after two days
but i guess i miss you more than usual cos i know you're far away
and i can't just drive to see you


:(


Eugh.
Hurry up and come home!
:)
x

Until The End

oops.

Random negative moment
thats bad
now life is good again,
:P

Even though you're flying into cyclonic weather (literally)
and Emfactor left me for NZ (literally)
So now i have to catch up with the friends i've neglected.


but nearly a month
and i'm still happy
whilst this is strange
i'm glad


:)
x

A Shot To The Stars

Annoyed.

Why does uni effect my life so much

i've got hours and hours of work

with life fitting in the gaps.

training

'Langaz' :P

friends

uni

and now.

in a split second i've gone from happy to sad

everything is taking over.

i'm too tired.

uni just go away.

maybe i should just fail?

and do it all next semester

and just do uni normally

like everyone

stop trying to push myself.

i've done that enough...

Lost In Time

Happiness hits us all in very different ways

Right now.

I'm happy running through sprinklers with you

on our cheap nights out

long walks through 'Drop Bear' infested parks

Chocolate Bavarian Cakes

Rain, Heat, Mozzies

Even just making Fried Rice and chilling with my strange as family

You help me to see my dreams are just dreams

that i'm not the only one who's scared

and that my insecurities are okay

are normal

and not something to be ashamed of.

You're strange. :P But then again so am I

So far we're working

and i'm lovin' it.

Don't even need to 'hope' we continue working

i'll make sure we do this time

cos i don't want to lose you.

that much i do know.

:)

x

Dear Mr President

I wonder how small things,

like who is in your life

or the weather

or what you have for lunch

makes such a big difference on the whole scheme of things.

How is it that one little smile

anything

can make someone feel differently

how is it that 2o11 is so much better than 2010

even though i'm struggling with money

i'm happy

why is that?

Love & Peace, or Else.

To describe how one feels
to pinpoint exactly what you're thinking
to understand what it is that you want
to understand what you need.


i never understand what i'm thinking, feeling or what i want
all i ever know is that whatever it is.
its making me unhappy
i just want it to stop
everything to stop
to be left alone
so i can curl up into my own little ball and to not think or feel anything


right now
i don't want to
right now i just want to keep living
the days end too soon
i dont want to have to say bye to you at the end of each day
i know that its not logical
but i love spending time with you
i love thinking of you
i love getting texts
facebook messages/posts/pokes
i love seeing you.


but i'm scared
to be brutally honest
i'm scared i'll stuff this one up too
i'm scared you'll start getting sick of me
i'll be too much work
too tiring
too sensitive
i'm so afraid of losing you...


great. i've just gone and blurted all this on my blog
again
sigh bianca...


But i am
i'm afraid that you'll find something better
then i wont be able to look into your eyes
or watch you smile
or hear you complain about your hair (even though it's fine)
i wont be able to enjoy all the little things i love right now
all the things that make me smile
all your little quirky things
that i love

i think i'm... (wait no, this i have to actually say to you. not allowed to find out through my blog)
thats appalling
so i'll stop talking now!

peace
x

What Lies Beneath

Chilling out in maccas
start in 15.
Oh the idea of hosting a little kids party is so not inviting.
busy week this week
but all of it revolving around one person
who i have seen alot of
but not enough.

mud monsters.
drop bears.
parks at night
and long conversations

but there is no complaints here. :P

>:( Uni assignments due tomorrow and monday
hello Deakin
hopefully i can get a lift up there tomorrow morning :
not that i REALLY want to go.
but i need to
so no complaining allowed

drinks tomorrow night
and saturday
and sunday.
work
moving house
cars

so little time
so little money
so much fun.

kinda liking life.
:O

peace

x

p.s. internet slow.
no pictures.

Lost In Time

I don't want to say too much just yet
I don't want to jinx things
But 2011 has started off really well


Spent NY day with 'Flyer' (wow, my nicknames are really starting to suck... :P)
also got to see INDIA! omg! was amazing! I haven't seen her since, well, since we were both in.. india... haha


But NY day. from the beginning

Awoke on the couch. back hates me. totally. :P
but i was smiling (what?)
i wasn't alone
there were plenty of people there


my day involved coffee, walks in parks, rain, conversation and me learning to trust
cannot speak too soon
but i'm being careful
i respect you
i kinda even sorta trust you
and you are gentle
calm
trustworthy
respectable


i don't even know what to think
you're similar to mash face
but i'm more ready this time


maybe you'll actually be alright for me
maybe this time things will actually work out
i wont fuck it all up
i wont be left, feeling like crap
you never know
there are good people out there


2010 ended shit
with a car stolen
a relationship ended
friendships rocky
self belief down the toilet
my care factor 0.


2011 has begun well
everything clean
romance
friends


lets hope i can press pause.
and live how yeaterday was
walking with you in parks, hand in hand
smiles on my face
thats all i want for now


nothing more, nothing less.


peace


x