Disappearing World

Wondering why I have so many nice friends.

people who message me, including my mother

and tell me things i felt i'd never hear

called someone for help today

feeling like its my last option.

i've tried hurting

i've tried using people

i've tried avoiding the actual problems

i've tried ignoring

i've tried crying

i've even tried ending it all

i'm done with cutting

i'm done with panadol to hide the pain

i'm even done with training.

jogs till my knee pain is unbearable

jogs until i can barely breathe

excercise

eating

no sleep

i'm done with hurting myself in any way possible

i tried finding the off button to my brain

where i can just shut everything off

i hate loud noises cos it's all too much

i hate silence, cos then i can hear myself

i hate reading cos the words mix with my own

i hate writing, cos then i read it later and it hurts

i hate music, cos the beat never fits with my own lyrics

i hate drawing, cos the people never seem happy

i miss smiling

laughing

running

leaping

playing

i miss family

friends

dates

i miss relating to others

in a healthy way

actually i miss life

and actually living it

day to day