Stings Much Worse Than a Paper Cut...

So. Busy as week. so much so that i'm starting to stress. Unable to deal with so much change.

1. Rob spoke to me. first time in 5 years. asked how i was. what uni degree i was doing. how life had been.

2. recieved a 'trying to fix things' inbox message. never even thought that would happen. resigned that one as done. finished. lost.

3. MF has a new girlfriend. someone i know. this doesn't upset me. what upsets me is that i feel nothing. nothing at all. to me, this one symbolises how desensitised i am. to loss. to the end. i don't want MF. In fact, thats why I ended things. but surely i should feel happiness that he has moved on. found someone new? instead i feel nothing. absolutely nothing.

4. I passed health. haha. they never marked my 2nd assignment. apparently never recieved it.

so i argued. and then they found it. and marked it. and i passed. just. but i passed. much happier.

5. I don't like High school. i can't. he's immature. young. too wrapped up in his own life to care about anyone else. too in love with OO to notice that there is more out there. he's basically given up. and i can't go there.

6. I still like Other, but i don't have the energy, i don't have the strength. i don't care enough. i care about him. but not about me. and i don't think i can face life. too tired. and he's too hard to read. i try. he makes things obvious. buys me a present. and then acts like he doesn't care.

i had a young girl tell me he likes me. it was funny.

some things are still funny. not many. but some. i like funny. i thrive on funny.

can't wait till this psych study starts. gives me something to look forward to.

My Dreams

I have plenty of dreams

none of which I believe I will ever achieve

well MAYYBEEE I'll become a psychologist.

which at the moment feels like my only achieveable dream

finding someone to love

impossible

finding someone who loves me

even more impossible

a family

impossible

a future

impossible

happiness

impossible

why even try?

A stranger

Once you were all strangers

now i consider you friends, enemies,

pains, tolerables, ex's, future ex's, dreams,

wastes of space, the drunk on the street corner,

the librarian, the doctor, the lecturer, the nurse, the policeman,

the barrister, the lovely lady who buys coffee every tuesday morning.

now you're barely strangers

although there are two customers every morning who make me smile,

they are strangers cos i can't remember their names, and can barely remember their occupations

but i know their coffees, a standard cappacino and a tall flat white.

both enter with smiles

both ask how i am

how uni is going

both encourage me to smile

both tell me i make the best coffee

boost my ego

make me happy

both are nice people..