Over My Head

So

Chilled out and watched movies last night.

Started with Karate kid

That movie brings me such happiness

I can’t help but smile.

The honour

The hope

The clarity

Everything makes sense

He’s fighting for something

And wont give up until he gets it

Then I watched The Butterfly Effect

With Ashton

I love Ashton. J

But this movie

Is a mind killer

It’s amazing

It questions memories

It questions reality

It asks us what do we truly know

It leaves us wanting more and more.

Then I watched Silence of the Lambs

Proved to myself that I am heading in the correct career path

And makes me wish I could get to know Hannibal Lecter.

He seems like he would be an amazing individual

So smart

So conniving

So inspiring

If I wanted to eat and murder people.

Great night

Best I’ve had in a while.

And today I have training

And maybe even a few other movies with mum

Disappearing World

Wondering why I have so many nice friends.

people who message me, including my mother

and tell me things i felt i'd never hear

called someone for help today

feeling like its my last option.

i've tried hurting

i've tried using people

i've tried avoiding the actual problems

i've tried ignoring

i've tried crying

i've even tried ending it all

i'm done with cutting

i'm done with panadol to hide the pain

i'm even done with training.

jogs till my knee pain is unbearable

jogs until i can barely breathe

excercise

eating

no sleep

i'm done with hurting myself in any way possible

i tried finding the off button to my brain

where i can just shut everything off

i hate loud noises cos it's all too much

i hate silence, cos then i can hear myself

i hate reading cos the words mix with my own

i hate writing, cos then i read it later and it hurts

i hate music, cos the beat never fits with my own lyrics

i hate drawing, cos the people never seem happy

i miss smiling

laughing

running

leaping

playing

i miss family

friends

dates

i miss relating to others

in a healthy way

actually i miss life

and actually living it

day to day

I Ain't Coming Back

Totally posting cos i'm bored,

and thats it

but i like posting

it forces me to think

to feel

to be real again

i feel like juice

i think i'm going to buy some

just before i completed one assignment

one online quiz

i bought my text books

i went to every class again

i've done some uni work

i may actually get somewhere this semester

i've been out everyweek, once a week.

like grandma said i had to

i have recieved parking fines

and headaches

and quiet times

i've become closer friends with housemate

i've lost phone, but i'm working to get her back

i've been continuing and building my friendship with Em Factor

i miss life

where it was a real construct

when i would wake up every day

and grasp it by it's horns

hope that it'll bring me a new challenge.

and then in year 8 it all changed

father

internet

friends

people stopped believeing in me

started looking for faults

and i began searching with them

till someone believed in me

and i began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

3 years it took

for me to begin to see how i was beautiful

how i has a future

how i could win against life

and then i was crushed

again

and i began to give up

again

to fall into this box

this bubble

where i can hear, i can see

but there is no smell, no taste, no touch

where nothing is pure

nothing is real

everything just happens around me

and i'm on pause

waiting for life to hit the play button

waiting to become

maybe someday will be my day

but for now i'm hoping to just change what i can

and give up on everything else

build up my grades

work on my sleep

earn cash

save

move out

and hopefully begin a new life

fresh

new thoughts

new person

new me

where i have control of the remote

and where noone but me can click pause

where i will be out of the box and running on the streets with everyone else

where i will be real.

It Ends Tonight

Oh..
and my brother is moving back home...
just to make things all the more difficult

All The Small Things

Just to contine with my list

My Ex Boyfriend

Technically was Mash Face (MF). Great guy. Cared for me. didn't feel the same. broke him. hurt me. i'm an idiot. but i would be more of an idiot if i stayed.

My Favourite Internet Friend

I don't know if i have one. a lot of my real friends are becoming solely internet friends. or not friends at all. guess thats how life is. But Hanner is pretty awesome, and Saatvi, and maybe even TT.

Someone I wish I could meet

There are plenty. Dalai Lama is awesome. Maybe Mahatma Ghandi. He used to bring me such joy. Show me that there is more to life than ones self. maybe i can start going back to how i was.

and liking life. but i doubt it.

Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

Oh wow. well i basically only talk to those i want to talk to. i pretend that i've been really busy

and haven't had time. but i usually have time. i just can't be fucked with the drama. with the stupid high school crap all you carey kids give me.

A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Nan. without a doubt. being around you used to make me happy. not much else does anymore.

So. Was going to continue. But the next question is too hard.

Stings Much Worse Than a Paper Cut...

So. Busy as week. so much so that i'm starting to stress. Unable to deal with so much change.

1. Rob spoke to me. first time in 5 years. asked how i was. what uni degree i was doing. how life had been.

2. recieved a 'trying to fix things' inbox message. never even thought that would happen. resigned that one as done. finished. lost.

3. MF has a new girlfriend. someone i know. this doesn't upset me. what upsets me is that i feel nothing. nothing at all. to me, this one symbolises how desensitised i am. to loss. to the end. i don't want MF. In fact, thats why I ended things. but surely i should feel happiness that he has moved on. found someone new? instead i feel nothing. absolutely nothing.

4. I passed health. haha. they never marked my 2nd assignment. apparently never recieved it.

so i argued. and then they found it. and marked it. and i passed. just. but i passed. much happier.

5. I don't like High school. i can't. he's immature. young. too wrapped up in his own life to care about anyone else. too in love with OO to notice that there is more out there. he's basically given up. and i can't go there.

6. I still like Other, but i don't have the energy, i don't have the strength. i don't care enough. i care about him. but not about me. and i don't think i can face life. too tired. and he's too hard to read. i try. he makes things obvious. buys me a present. and then acts like he doesn't care.

i had a young girl tell me he likes me. it was funny.

some things are still funny. not many. but some. i like funny. i thrive on funny.

can't wait till this psych study starts. gives me something to look forward to.

My Dreams

I have plenty of dreams

none of which I believe I will ever achieve

well MAYYBEEE I'll become a psychologist.

which at the moment feels like my only achieveable dream

finding someone to love

impossible

finding someone who loves me

even more impossible

a family

impossible

a future

impossible

happiness

impossible

why even try?

A stranger

Once you were all strangers

now i consider you friends, enemies,

pains, tolerables, ex's, future ex's, dreams,

wastes of space, the drunk on the street corner,

the librarian, the doctor, the lecturer, the nurse, the policeman,

the barrister, the lovely lady who buys coffee every tuesday morning.

now you're barely strangers

although there are two customers every morning who make me smile,

they are strangers cos i can't remember their names, and can barely remember their occupations

but i know their coffees, a standard cappacino and a tall flat white.

both enter with smiles

both ask how i am

how uni is going

both encourage me to smile

both tell me i make the best coffee

boost my ego

make me happy

both are nice people..

Without Wings

My Crush
HAHAHA oh cos I don't talk about them enough.
Honestly. I don't even know if i actually have one...
too tired to think
bye

Your Parents.
Mother --
Amazing
Stong
Beautiful
Munchkin
Sweet
Caring
Hard Worker
Difficult to live with
Love dearly
Wouldn't be able to live without her
Always puts us kids first

Father-
Young, Stupid Boy
Needs to grow up
Difficult to live with
Still love him
Maybe one day

My Siblings
1 -
Male
17
Love
Miss
Lost
Patience
Come home

2 -
Male
12
Twin
Love
You hurt him, I kill you
slowly and painfully
until you learn that messing
with my brother is the most
stupid thing you will ever
ever ever do in your entire life

3-
Male
10
Sweet
Forgotten
Lost
Love

<3

To be the one

After a while
I am beginning to move on from high school
he cares about someone else
he likes someone else
and wont like me
i listen to him
i listen to him talk about her
and i can't listen anymore
about how wonderful her hugs are
about how she's talking to him again
about how he can't move on
so i rid myself of him
i stop myself from thinking
i delete messages
i empty beliefs
i clean my mind


My Best Friend

Is beautiful
is kind
is understanding
loves me for me
never expects me to do anything
never judges my decisions
just waits until i learn from my mistakes
and it there
always
to pick up the broken pieces
to wipe away the tears
to fix me from heartbreak
and to heal my wounds

she's like a packet of bandaids
waiting on the shelf for me to break
for me to fall
but will be there as soon as i need her

i just wish i was a better friend to her
cos she deserves me to be

i'm working on it
i'm going to places when she asks

i heard her sing on the weekend
amazing
i nearly cried
she sang with such a pure voice
with such love
such devotion

i was in her church
surrounded by her friends, the congregation
and i'm not religious
but her voice nearly made me
i want to go back
just to hear her sing again

she completes me as a person
she makes me stronger
i know where to go
i have someone there for me
when all men leave
when all family fight
when i feel there is nothing left to live for
she shows me the way.

and for that i am forever grateful

Because I Can

So, Saw this on Miss S's blog.

Thought i'd give it a crack, cos i can...

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Waiting for So Long, What have I become?

So no blog posts for a while
not much to say.
haven't done much
need to move on from High School
he's not interested
i know that
and it's stupid
and lame
and maybe even hurting me

also need to move on from the other
he has just been presenting me with mixed messages
that my brain can no longer handle
and i'm tired
i'm bored
i'm lonely
so i'm no longer trying

cocktails with the B Girls tonight
excited
church with the Em Factor tomorrow
should be fun
especially if i meet Sushi ;)
training tomorrow too
i WILL go
i need to go
it keeps me sane

been going to uni
big debate in class
I was practically the devil's advocate
all for the criminal
all against the system
even though the crim was a freak
talking about the fritzl case to be honest
i was all about mitigating factors that it's likely noone thinks about
i wasn't excusing case
but trying to get others to think about other factors
and to not just label him a freak
mmm... was fun
lecturer was a little thrown
especially since i am the only 1st year student in the class
and i was talking more, arguing more, and actually had some valid points.
really hoping to do really well this semester
well i'm trying... so good start

but yeah
other than uni
which has started off well

i'm lonley
i'm sad
but i'm fighting
i'm reading
i'm seeing what has caused the holes
the breakages
i don't know how to fix them yet
but i know why they are there
and thats step one...
:)

Feeling It

Oh Wow. To be honest. I really thought shit was improving.

Before I randomly babble about Shit. I'd like to say HI out there to anyone who is still reading this shit. Persistance. Good job! :P

1. I was informed that someone had read my blog and laughed. When I was then told why they laughed I definitely laughed harder. The ego that goes behind believeing that I am constantly referencing you is actually laughable. BUT to make you feel better, and so as to not entirely crush your ego. Written below, in a changed font, is written specifially to you. It is how I feel, as I still dont have the courage to send you a text telling you "I'm sorry", so instead I am going to post an entire paragraph directly to you. Feel the love!

**"So. I loved you. More than anyone else. Shit. Scrap that. Start again. I found it remarkably difficult to express how I felt when I was with you, and you still have that power over me. The trust I hold in you. The fact, even when I am feeling my absolute worst I still cannot break my promise to you. Whether thats because I don't want to have to call you and tell you I broke it, or whether it's because I can't break promises to you I'm not sure. But either way it's working. I have spent months wondering if you ever even loved me, or if for you, it was all just some ego trip. Some opportunity to have a girl totally head over heels in love with you. that crushing me afterwards didn't matter cos i didn't matter. I've talked to so many people over the months. So many late night phone calls, so much shit. so much so that now i see you and i feel nothing, i feel nothing before, after or during the time with which you are there. even though you blatantly and childishly ignore me. which in itself is pretty funny. I had a chat with someone the other day, actually yesterday, and she informed me that you loved me. and that you honestly did. Pretty sure i laughed at her. But she was dead serious. Thats when It hit me. He did love me, and I stopped communicating. I was afraid of fucking up my own happiness. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was afraid that if you got to know the real me you'd hate me. What was I thinking? You ALREADY knew me, gosh, you were the only person i talked to. you knew who I was. You knew ME. How could you 'remeet' me and then hate me? Flawed logic. Useless fears. and here I was sabotaging my own happiness.

And here I am. Similar position. Different man. Becoming strong friends. If I FUCK THIS ONE UP. Sigh.... "**

There we are. Hope that stroked your ego enough kind sir. And I hope you see that here i am, willing to admit that it is more than likely that the shit i went through was all my fault. although a little more effort wouldn't have gone astray. I hope the new girl makes you happier than I ever did.

2. So problem two. MAJOR FUCKING PROBLEM. I failed a unit at uni. So shattered. School is like the one thing I am good at. In life. And here i am getting 29 FUCKING PERCENT IN HEALTH? WTF? I knew I did shit in Anthropology of Crime and Violence. Pretty sure I even mentioned in an earlier post that I was pretty sure I had failed. And then it's all suddenly like YES! 50% exactly! I passed my 3rd year subject. I am a legend! Scrolling down, feeling pretty awesome. until i see a 29% in HEALTH!? I feel like I have passed year 12 specialist maths and failed year 5 english! It's just completely blown me over. So here I am, online. Applying for my trimester 3 subjects and instead of taking an elective. Like I had hoped, I'm opting to retake Understanding Health. The easiest subject I HAVE EVER EVER SEEN. With the hope of passing this time. So annoyed. Way to throw everything, all my detailed plans, down the fucking drain.

3. I have a crush. It's horrible... I don't have crushes. EVER. Gosh. I feel silly. He walks into the room and i light up like a bloody christmas tree. It's ridiculous. I hear my phone get a message and I hope it's him, I open facebook. Notifications, inbox messages, anything and I hope it's him. Even a bloody poke and I hope it's him. I see his brother, and smile thinking of him. Thats all I can say. Cos i feel stupid having a high school crush...

4. Quitting a job. Bye Bye cleaning lady. Your $10 an hour just can't make up for a 29%. EVER.

5. Drawing again. Maybe I should do an art, like visual art, unit at uni... stress less?

Umm...

Thats it really. For now.

Oh, and it was my birthday last week. Now 19. ... yay :)