Running to Stand Still

I sort of feel like everything I do is worthless

Like I'm not feeling down or anything mildly depressed like I usually do

It’s more that I can’t seem to do anything right

I’m over $1,000 in debt, and I have no means to make up the difference.

I would get another job, just for a few months to help me sort it out, but I just honestly don’t have the time to. And I can’t afford to let uni slip again.

They’re already threatening to kick me out…

Another job will just add more pressure.

So then I ask maccas for more shifts,

But I don’t honestly know when I could fit that in either

I need sleep

A social life

I can never seem to get ahead

Have money and not constantly have so many outgoings.

I spend more than I earn

But I don’t own much

I don’t know what I do

Sabotage things?

But it’s not only money

I just can’t be bothered with anything anymore

I’m just working and doing uni

And then cos I feel so empty I see Andrew

Who lightens my day

My life

Everything

I shouldn’t be relying on him to be my helping hand

I should be able to do it myself

And just enjoy his company

I just feel like a burden to all those who I talk to

It’s not fair on them

I’m horrible company

Tired

Poor

And I can’t seem to see anything but the negative in most situations

I try and see the positive, but that shouldn’t be a struggle.

Whets mostly confusing is that I’m not feeling depressed, or even down

In fact I’m feeling really happy

I guess its best when I don’t think

When I don’t delve into the strange negativity that is in my head

And instead just enjoy the life I live

The life I keep

And the joy I feel day to day

So here I am

Pressing the off button to my brain

Merely looking at the things that make me happy

Smiling at pictures

Looking forward to seeing you tonight

And writing my essays

I think of the fact we’re finally hitting 3 months on Sunday

And that I’m buying you a present (and paying America $10 for losing that bet ;) )

The fact that this is the best relationship I’ve had

That I’m not behind in uni (yet) but actually ahead

That I have a job

A car

A supportive family and an amazing best friend

That I can afford to slowly pay my debt

That this month will be ultra tight

And next month too

But that I should be back on my feet by June

Back to having money in my account

In my savings.

In fact. By July it’ll be nearly 6 months

Uni exams will be over (my work should have paid off)

I’ll be turning 20, you 21.

Maybe I’ll be heading to Malaysia for Taekwondo

And maybe everything will be back on the straight and narrow

So no more complaining

Just get on with it.

xx