Twisted Logic

So a handful more from my list,

and maybe some more later, if I find the time.

12. The person you hate the most/caused a lot of pain
There are two people under this heading;

Robert; For leaving me, for making me feel

insignificant,

unloved,

unwanted.

For leaving his 14 year old daughter fatherless,

for not allowing me to grow as others grew.

For making me believe that I was worthless, unable to love or be loved.

For making me the untrusting, numb, cold and scared girl I am today.

Chloe; You know who you are.

You made me feel wrong, bad, insignificant.

You led me to believe I was deserving of the abuse,

that I was deserving of pain and anguish.

That I wasn’t worth the energy.

You helped me to become the person I am today,

someone so lost and alone.

Someone who has cut off all her friends because facing them is too hard.

Someone who fights it alone,

because trusting someone enough to fight alongside them is too hard.

13. Someone you wish could forgive you.

I’m not quite sure if I have ever done something so bad that I need to be forgiven.

Something which has caused someone great pain,

something that has affected someones life in a negative way

and caused them to become someone they originally wouldn’t have.

But perhaps I have, and perhaps I’m too selfish to notice. This is likely.

So I am sorry.

I am sorry to anyone who I have unintentionally or intentionally hurt in any way.

I am sorry for my words, for my cruel ways and for my unforgiving nature.

I hope you can see that I am a selfish person who is unable to see my own weaknesses, and find it in your heart to forgive me.

14. Someone you’ve drifted away from.

I’ve drifted away from so many of you. I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’m new. And I can’t go back to how I was.

15. Someone you miss the most.

Saatvika Kantemneni, Talia Tiffany & Hannah Reid, I love you all dearly. Thinking of you fills my heart and mind with great memories, fun times and happiness. I think of the warm waters in Goa, the strong rains in Kodai, the mist circling through the dining halls open windows, and the tears the monsoons would bring as the rain dampened our spirits with memories of what we were missing at home. I think of the failed volleyball classes where S & I were partnered as neither of us could play, the joys of Toad of Toad Hall, the afternoons with Dash, Carnivals, tea, Mahab, Tour, the jokes, the fun times with Lukas, Hugo, John R, Frank, Preeti and many others and the sleepless nights. Oh How I miss you all.

16. Someone not in your state/country.

The list could go for miles.

All the ones I love;

India

Germany

America

England

Adelaide ;)

And everywhere else, you all know where you are, who you are. And remember, my thoughts are forever with you. <3

So it’s been ages since my last post, thought I should make this one a long, drawn out one that ensures I fill you all in with whats been happening in the boring, tired and dull life of myself. J

Uni. Taekwondo. Illness. Work. Night with my B girls. That’s about it! I would blog about fights I’ve had, decisions I have made and why, reasons behind my actions. I would blog about how I am feeling towards certain people, towards their obvious bitching. I would blog about how I feel towards the rumours going around the old Carey group, the people I once considered my close friends, my people, my life. The people who once stood on my side, as the bullying from other Carey Grammarians grew, the people who meant the world to me. The people who are now siding against me, doing the bullying, and expect me to continue being the passive person I am and just take it. Normally I would try to analyse why, why someone would put in effort, and then use my words against me. I would even normally go to my B girls or the Em Factor and bitch about it for hour on end. Filling buckets with my tears, and truckloads with my fury. But this time I haven’t said a word, I have merely listened as they have informed me of the bitching, as I growl in anger, but stomach it. As I have set them straight on my perspective of these given situations and have known that they may choose the others. But this time, I refuse to stop to the level of my once friends. I refuse to be seen in the light they are all painting me in. and I refuse to take the bait. So i’m not going to blog about it. I’m just going to be about it.

Besides, I have much bigger things to worry about. Like this father issue. This man, ignores me for a good 6 years. 6 years of me waiting, wanting him to show me something. Hoping that one day he’ll realise that I mean something to him, hoping that one day he’ll wake up and think about me, want to have something to do with me. After his illness I resigned to the idea that there is nothing there, and that if he doesn’t make it through, that I did my best. I was there, I was obtainable, I was real. I never totally ran. He knew that. I was always the one who answered the phone, asked him how he was even though I knew he’d just blatantly ignore me. Or call me names. But I did try. And now, once I’ve finally resigned to it. I’ve finally noticed and agreed that he’ll never care, and that I can deal with that, here he is, stirring the already boiling pot. Hoping that I will tip. Hoping that he can weasel his way into my life. The life I have spent years trying to build. And I have to let him back. He’s my dad.