Thinking About the Last Time I Had a Good Time

WARNING: THE CONTENTS OF THIS POST IS A LITTLE DEPRESSING. BUT WE ALL HAVE MOMENTS :P PROCEED WITH CAUTION! :)

To drown out the voices in your head, to bury the noise deep within your soul. Where noone can find it, and you can no longer hear it. The never ending scream. So shut up! I don't want to hear it, Nothing anyone can say will bring me any further down. Whether thats due to me already hitting rock bottom, or because I am the stronger person I don't know. All I know is that the head is splitting at the seams, there is nothing holding me together other than useless and hopeless dreams.

The thought that all we have in life is the hope for a future, and the stupidity to fight for it. What are we fighting for? A better job, a nicer car? This wont make us happy... Gosh, this wont even make us falsely happy. && we lose so much fighting.

Waiting for the tables to turn, waiting for it to be my chance. My chance to feel secure, and loved. and maybe even happy? HAPPY? what is this concept? The idea of being loved? Needed? Wanted? But how can someone else make you feel this way? People spend years searching for the 'one' and then spend years alone and lonely because the 'one' was never there. So they searched for nothing.

I've given up searching, i've given up hope. Why search, when the one I want doesn't even want to know who I am. The one I want isn't even the same person, is now the one I hate, but I still dream for what I never had.
A family who is whole, is one. Who is there whenever we need one another, who is there when we just need someone to pull us from this deep dark hole we have unintentionally buried ourselves in.

Someone to show me the uselessness in the pain. Someone to make me fele like I am needed in this world. That everything I do is not a waste of time, and energy. That I am remembered, missed and cherished. But maybe I'm dreaming for too much... Oh Gosh. This blog has become all depressing already. Way to write down how I feel, Wish it wasn't so negative. :) But later posts should improve. We all have moments where we drown in our own busy lives, don't we?

Just something I wrote a while ago, felt like sharing... Unfortunately can't find the entire document, So just the poem will have to do... :)

I felt his hand across my cheek,

His love so strong, so pure.

He was joking, laughing with me,

His daughter of eight.

Tickling, laughing together.

We were, father and daughter.

Our family love a strong bond between us.

A shower of kisses as I giggle, his craziness

Making me love him all the more

Making me forget.

I felt his hand across my cheek

What had I done wrong?

I thought family loved one another?

I gasped with shock as I felt, yet again

His broad hands slice upon my pure skin,

My eyes throbbing with his constant glare,

Piercing my sight, captivating my soul.

Again and again I feel him,

Across my face.

Until I can no longer see his eyes,

All I see is blackness.

My happiness forgotten.

Quote No 118: Be not afraid of growing slowly. Be afraid only of standing still. - Chinese Proverb