Can't Let You Go

and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this

except for the fact it's merely an aim

not reality

joy

happiness

laugher

Waiting for So Long, What have I become?

So no blog posts for a while
not much to say.
haven't done much
need to move on from High School
he's not interested
i know that
and it's stupid
and lame
and maybe even hurting me

also need to move on from the other
he has just been presenting me with mixed messages
that my brain can no longer handle
and i'm tired
i'm bored
i'm lonely
so i'm no longer trying

cocktails with the B Girls tonight
excited
church with the Em Factor tomorrow
should be fun
especially if i meet Sushi ;)
training tomorrow too
i WILL go
i need to go
it keeps me sane

been going to uni
big debate in class
I was practically the devil's advocate
all for the criminal
all against the system
even though the crim was a freak
talking about the fritzl case to be honest
i was all about mitigating factors that it's likely noone thinks about
i wasn't excusing case
but trying to get others to think about other factors
and to not just label him a freak
mmm... was fun
lecturer was a little thrown
especially since i am the only 1st year student in the class
and i was talking more, arguing more, and actually had some valid points.
really hoping to do really well this semester
well i'm trying... so good start

but yeah
other than uni
which has started off well

i'm lonley
i'm sad
but i'm fighting
i'm reading
i'm seeing what has caused the holes
the breakages
i don't know how to fix them yet
but i know why they are there
and thats step one...
:)

Feeling It

Oh Wow. To be honest. I really thought shit was improving.

Before I randomly babble about Shit. I'd like to say HI out there to anyone who is still reading this shit. Persistance. Good job! :P

1. I was informed that someone had read my blog and laughed. When I was then told why they laughed I definitely laughed harder. The ego that goes behind believeing that I am constantly referencing you is actually laughable. BUT to make you feel better, and so as to not entirely crush your ego. Written below, in a changed font, is written specifially to you. It is how I feel, as I still dont have the courage to send you a text telling you "I'm sorry", so instead I am going to post an entire paragraph directly to you. Feel the love!

**"So. I loved you. More than anyone else. Shit. Scrap that. Start again. I found it remarkably difficult to express how I felt when I was with you, and you still have that power over me. The trust I hold in you. The fact, even when I am feeling my absolute worst I still cannot break my promise to you. Whether thats because I don't want to have to call you and tell you I broke it, or whether it's because I can't break promises to you I'm not sure. But either way it's working. I have spent months wondering if you ever even loved me, or if for you, it was all just some ego trip. Some opportunity to have a girl totally head over heels in love with you. that crushing me afterwards didn't matter cos i didn't matter. I've talked to so many people over the months. So many late night phone calls, so much shit. so much so that now i see you and i feel nothing, i feel nothing before, after or during the time with which you are there. even though you blatantly and childishly ignore me. which in itself is pretty funny. I had a chat with someone the other day, actually yesterday, and she informed me that you loved me. and that you honestly did. Pretty sure i laughed at her. But she was dead serious. Thats when It hit me. He did love me, and I stopped communicating. I was afraid of fucking up my own happiness. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was afraid that if you got to know the real me you'd hate me. What was I thinking? You ALREADY knew me, gosh, you were the only person i talked to. you knew who I was. You knew ME. How could you 'remeet' me and then hate me? Flawed logic. Useless fears. and here I was sabotaging my own happiness.

And here I am. Similar position. Different man. Becoming strong friends. If I FUCK THIS ONE UP. Sigh.... "**

There we are. Hope that stroked your ego enough kind sir. And I hope you see that here i am, willing to admit that it is more than likely that the shit i went through was all my fault. although a little more effort wouldn't have gone astray. I hope the new girl makes you happier than I ever did.

2. So problem two. MAJOR FUCKING PROBLEM. I failed a unit at uni. So shattered. School is like the one thing I am good at. In life. And here i am getting 29 FUCKING PERCENT IN HEALTH? WTF? I knew I did shit in Anthropology of Crime and Violence. Pretty sure I even mentioned in an earlier post that I was pretty sure I had failed. And then it's all suddenly like YES! 50% exactly! I passed my 3rd year subject. I am a legend! Scrolling down, feeling pretty awesome. until i see a 29% in HEALTH!? I feel like I have passed year 12 specialist maths and failed year 5 english! It's just completely blown me over. So here I am, online. Applying for my trimester 3 subjects and instead of taking an elective. Like I had hoped, I'm opting to retake Understanding Health. The easiest subject I HAVE EVER EVER SEEN. With the hope of passing this time. So annoyed. Way to throw everything, all my detailed plans, down the fucking drain.

3. I have a crush. It's horrible... I don't have crushes. EVER. Gosh. I feel silly. He walks into the room and i light up like a bloody christmas tree. It's ridiculous. I hear my phone get a message and I hope it's him, I open facebook. Notifications, inbox messages, anything and I hope it's him. Even a bloody poke and I hope it's him. I see his brother, and smile thinking of him. Thats all I can say. Cos i feel stupid having a high school crush...

4. Quitting a job. Bye Bye cleaning lady. Your $10 an hour just can't make up for a 29%. EVER.

5. Drawing again. Maybe I should do an art, like visual art, unit at uni... stress less?

Umm...

Thats it really. For now.

Oh, and it was my birthday last week. Now 19. ... yay :)

Take a Breath and Softly Say Goodbye

So. No postings for a while, and nothing to report... Such a boring person! haha

But! I have a formal tomorrow, so definitely give you the rundown Friday morning once I have awoken from my drunken haze. For now, I will leave you merely with poems I have writtten, none of which relate to any people, they are amigious! :D

Why is the world so rich
whilst all the people die?
Why is the land so dry
whilst all the people cry?

How can we let life go
without even a fight?
How can we stay afloat
when it's easier to let go?

Doesn't anyone wonder?
Doesn't anyone care?
What about the constant pain?
What about the constant lives slain?

Doesn't anyone notice?
Couldn't anyone spare?
Just one cent, one thing
To help save another?

Selfish
Lies
Broken
Lives

Meet our world
Corrupted, alone
In its own Isolation
When all we have to do is try

I let them read
See my thoughts
They take with greed
Shinning in their dishonest eyes

I try to run
I try to hide
They find it fun
To hurt my pride

I spend so much time
Use all my effort
They laugh and laugh
At all my work

I hate these people
I hate this life
Everything so depressing
Everything so wrong

Let me go
Help you see
That there is more to life
Than hurting me

I sat on the ground
Isolated, alone
For no-one notices
The girl with the crooked eyes

Leave us alone, I hear girls cry
You only like us for our legs
Our breasts, our looks
Not for us

I turned away
I tried to run
But I saw nowhere to turn
Only could I hear
Only could I cry
For no-one notices
The girl with the crooked eyes

Leave you alone?
To us they won’t near the others
Screamed. And why?
Cos our hair isn’t right?

It was then I cried
At least they knew where they stood
I knew, I sighed
No-one could Love the girl with the crooked eyes

I watched him from across the room
His blue eyes moving ever so slow
His body rippled beneath his shirt
But he'll never notice me

His smile bright by day
The same smile somewhat quiet by night
He brushed his locks from his face
But he'll never notice me

Me, the girl who can't speak out
For shyness rules my speech
Me, the girl with the crooked eyes
For sight lacked in each

His muscular hand I wanted in mine
I wanted his touch, his love
I knew, I sighed
He'll never notice me

Me the girl who knew his name
But will never speak it
Me, the girl who had no fame
But wished he didn't need it

How I wished he'd notice me
Maybe one day he shall
But never, oh never
Will he love me

Okay, So thats it, I'm sick of being alone, i'm tired of feeling like there is noone there for me anymore, and even if there was, that they don't really care about me. I know that there are people there, and that this is just some passing phase where i am, yet again, seeing the negative in everything and not wanting to see the positive.

Problem: I don't want everyone's pity, i don't want the nice inbox messages telling me to fight through, or asking me if i'm okay! Of course i'm okay, if i wasn't okay i wouldn't be blogging, i wouldn't find the strength to blog, i wouldn't bother. it wouldn't be worth it. Of course i'm going to fight through. haven't i been doing so for ages. i have been fighting the low times since at least the divorce, or it could have started with the abuse. i don't know. but i know i'm going to keep fighting. ive got nothing more to lose.

i know people are just trying to be there for me. show me that i'm not alone. but their sympathy isn't what i want. i just want a friend. someone who can treat me like a normal person, and chill out, or invite me out. someone who doesn't act like im a baasket case. sigghhh

maybe i'm just asing for too much?

I'm tired of Running, I'm tired of Hurting

I wonder if anyone even reads this blog... :P

Oh well, it is still good posting for myself.

So I have to write an essay about what Taekwondo means to me.

First draft right here!!! :D

When asked to write this essay I thought it’s be easy! Taekwondo has been a major aspect of my life for the past 15 – 16 years, so one would think writing about it would be simple. However, as I began marking off the aspects of Taekwondo that affect many, I began to see that the grain of Taekwondo runs much deeper through me than it being merely a hobby, a pastime, a sport.

Taekwondo is more than a sport, more than a fitness regime, more than poomse or sparring competitions, more than medals, grading and dans, more than competition. More than pride, ore than failure, more than winning. Taekwondo is more than a hobby, a pastime. It’s worth more than the blood, the sweat and the tears.

Many quit Taekwondo after they obtain their black belt, after they win the gold, once their life has become too hectic. Many leave once they have achieved all they set out to achieve, once they are done. Many set specific Taekwondo goals that once achieved the sport means so much less to them.

I have set goals throughout my Taekwondo career, and I have achieved them. To gain my Black Belt, to train for competitions, to compete to the best of my ability. But there is one goal I have set, which entails many milestones, many obstacles and many triumphs. To be the best person I can be.

I can’t be that person without Taekwondo.
If life had been different, and 16 years ago Mum hadn’t met Bernie and I hadn’t started this sport I now claim to be such a major part of my life, I believe I’d be a very different person now.

No self-confidence, self-loathing, lack of self-control, insecure, sensitive.

Taekwondo has given me more than a black belt, more than a ribbon on my wall, more than the recognition.
Through all the blood, sweat and tears (lots and lots of tears!) Taekwondo has created a stronger person. Has created someone I am proud to be. The sport, more specifically the people, has been there for me as I faced major challenges in life. They have been there for me on my darkest days, during my hardest struggles and I am forever indebted.

Taekwondo means more than the world to me. For it is a major part of my world and whilst I try hard to complete another major milestone in my Taekwondo career I am no where near completing my goal of being the best person I can be, and therefore I have another 15 years ahead.

Take a Deep Breath.

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors

It's the morning of your very first day of a new life

of a new beginning

it's the chance you've been looking for

the opportunity to fight the mold you're living in,

and take a new step into the new future

I have a new future to look forward to (moving out of home)
hope for the future
new friends
new aspirations
and can pull away from the hated years
can pull away from the high school times
be the person i always wanted to be
if i'm careful to look before i fall
and to know who i'm supposed to be.

but i wont fall for the terrible moulds people place me in
im not supposed to be anyone.
anyone at all

except for me
and thats the only person i will be
me and forever more

so here i am on the edge of a new life
taking a leap of faith
forcing myself to throw away the heavy baggage on my thin shoulders
forcing myself to take my hair down look after myself.
do what i want and not what others want to be

me staring into the void of taekwondo training.
knowing i want to go back to where i was
before before life took over before this void of unhappiness and stress started eating away at me the time when it was my escape,
my happiness

had first training session this weekend.

smiled

had first shift where i didnt care

smiled

trained for 4th dan

smiled

spent time with BB

smiled.

All I need now is my Romeo....
But I need to remember that i'm not a princess,
and that this isn't a fairy tale.

I'm naieve, i don't have a chance
but i still think i love you
even though you're an ass
and i hate you.

you lost me
i am now floating in a void of depression
and unhappiness cos i cannot delete you from my life
short time
big effect
you effected me more than you should have
more than you deserved to be allowed to
fuck you.

but you ass
it's too late to catch me now...

but new people
new love
you don't know it yet
but i'm gunna find someone, someday thats going to actually treat me well
like i deserve
and maybe one day you'll notice me
and think of me
in the same way i think of you.

Hey! Can't have it all can we...