Can't Let You Go

and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this

except for the fact it's merely an aim

not reality

joy

happiness

laugher

Feeling It

Oh Wow. To be honest. I really thought shit was improving.

Before I randomly babble about Shit. I'd like to say HI out there to anyone who is still reading this shit. Persistance. Good job! :P

1. I was informed that someone had read my blog and laughed. When I was then told why they laughed I definitely laughed harder. The ego that goes behind believeing that I am constantly referencing you is actually laughable. BUT to make you feel better, and so as to not entirely crush your ego. Written below, in a changed font, is written specifially to you. It is how I feel, as I still dont have the courage to send you a text telling you "I'm sorry", so instead I am going to post an entire paragraph directly to you. Feel the love!

**"So. I loved you. More than anyone else. Shit. Scrap that. Start again. I found it remarkably difficult to express how I felt when I was with you, and you still have that power over me. The trust I hold in you. The fact, even when I am feeling my absolute worst I still cannot break my promise to you. Whether thats because I don't want to have to call you and tell you I broke it, or whether it's because I can't break promises to you I'm not sure. But either way it's working. I have spent months wondering if you ever even loved me, or if for you, it was all just some ego trip. Some opportunity to have a girl totally head over heels in love with you. that crushing me afterwards didn't matter cos i didn't matter. I've talked to so many people over the months. So many late night phone calls, so much shit. so much so that now i see you and i feel nothing, i feel nothing before, after or during the time with which you are there. even though you blatantly and childishly ignore me. which in itself is pretty funny. I had a chat with someone the other day, actually yesterday, and she informed me that you loved me. and that you honestly did. Pretty sure i laughed at her. But she was dead serious. Thats when It hit me. He did love me, and I stopped communicating. I was afraid of fucking up my own happiness. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was afraid that if you got to know the real me you'd hate me. What was I thinking? You ALREADY knew me, gosh, you were the only person i talked to. you knew who I was. You knew ME. How could you 'remeet' me and then hate me? Flawed logic. Useless fears. and here I was sabotaging my own happiness.

And here I am. Similar position. Different man. Becoming strong friends. If I FUCK THIS ONE UP. Sigh.... "**

There we are. Hope that stroked your ego enough kind sir. And I hope you see that here i am, willing to admit that it is more than likely that the shit i went through was all my fault. although a little more effort wouldn't have gone astray. I hope the new girl makes you happier than I ever did.

2. So problem two. MAJOR FUCKING PROBLEM. I failed a unit at uni. So shattered. School is like the one thing I am good at. In life. And here i am getting 29 FUCKING PERCENT IN HEALTH? WTF? I knew I did shit in Anthropology of Crime and Violence. Pretty sure I even mentioned in an earlier post that I was pretty sure I had failed. And then it's all suddenly like YES! 50% exactly! I passed my 3rd year subject. I am a legend! Scrolling down, feeling pretty awesome. until i see a 29% in HEALTH!? I feel like I have passed year 12 specialist maths and failed year 5 english! It's just completely blown me over. So here I am, online. Applying for my trimester 3 subjects and instead of taking an elective. Like I had hoped, I'm opting to retake Understanding Health. The easiest subject I HAVE EVER EVER SEEN. With the hope of passing this time. So annoyed. Way to throw everything, all my detailed plans, down the fucking drain.

3. I have a crush. It's horrible... I don't have crushes. EVER. Gosh. I feel silly. He walks into the room and i light up like a bloody christmas tree. It's ridiculous. I hear my phone get a message and I hope it's him, I open facebook. Notifications, inbox messages, anything and I hope it's him. Even a bloody poke and I hope it's him. I see his brother, and smile thinking of him. Thats all I can say. Cos i feel stupid having a high school crush...

4. Quitting a job. Bye Bye cleaning lady. Your $10 an hour just can't make up for a 29%. EVER.

5. Drawing again. Maybe I should do an art, like visual art, unit at uni... stress less?

Umm...

Thats it really. For now.

Oh, and it was my birthday last week. Now 19. ... yay :)

I'm tired of Running, I'm tired of Hurting

I wonder if anyone even reads this blog... :P

Oh well, it is still good posting for myself.

So I have to write an essay about what Taekwondo means to me.

First draft right here!!! :D

When asked to write this essay I thought it’s be easy! Taekwondo has been a major aspect of my life for the past 15 – 16 years, so one would think writing about it would be simple. However, as I began marking off the aspects of Taekwondo that affect many, I began to see that the grain of Taekwondo runs much deeper through me than it being merely a hobby, a pastime, a sport.

Taekwondo is more than a sport, more than a fitness regime, more than poomse or sparring competitions, more than medals, grading and dans, more than competition. More than pride, ore than failure, more than winning. Taekwondo is more than a hobby, a pastime. It’s worth more than the blood, the sweat and the tears.

Many quit Taekwondo after they obtain their black belt, after they win the gold, once their life has become too hectic. Many leave once they have achieved all they set out to achieve, once they are done. Many set specific Taekwondo goals that once achieved the sport means so much less to them.

I have set goals throughout my Taekwondo career, and I have achieved them. To gain my Black Belt, to train for competitions, to compete to the best of my ability. But there is one goal I have set, which entails many milestones, many obstacles and many triumphs. To be the best person I can be.

I can’t be that person without Taekwondo.
If life had been different, and 16 years ago Mum hadn’t met Bernie and I hadn’t started this sport I now claim to be such a major part of my life, I believe I’d be a very different person now.

No self-confidence, self-loathing, lack of self-control, insecure, sensitive.

Taekwondo has given me more than a black belt, more than a ribbon on my wall, more than the recognition.
Through all the blood, sweat and tears (lots and lots of tears!) Taekwondo has created a stronger person. Has created someone I am proud to be. The sport, more specifically the people, has been there for me as I faced major challenges in life. They have been there for me on my darkest days, during my hardest struggles and I am forever indebted.

Taekwondo means more than the world to me. For it is a major part of my world and whilst I try hard to complete another major milestone in my Taekwondo career I am no where near completing my goal of being the best person I can be, and therefore I have another 15 years ahead.