Stings Much Worse Than a Paper Cut...

So. Busy as week. so much so that i'm starting to stress. Unable to deal with so much change.

1. Rob spoke to me. first time in 5 years. asked how i was. what uni degree i was doing. how life had been.

2. recieved a 'trying to fix things' inbox message. never even thought that would happen. resigned that one as done. finished. lost.

3. MF has a new girlfriend. someone i know. this doesn't upset me. what upsets me is that i feel nothing. nothing at all. to me, this one symbolises how desensitised i am. to loss. to the end. i don't want MF. In fact, thats why I ended things. but surely i should feel happiness that he has moved on. found someone new? instead i feel nothing. absolutely nothing.

4. I passed health. haha. they never marked my 2nd assignment. apparently never recieved it.

so i argued. and then they found it. and marked it. and i passed. just. but i passed. much happier.

5. I don't like High school. i can't. he's immature. young. too wrapped up in his own life to care about anyone else. too in love with OO to notice that there is more out there. he's basically given up. and i can't go there.

6. I still like Other, but i don't have the energy, i don't have the strength. i don't care enough. i care about him. but not about me. and i don't think i can face life. too tired. and he's too hard to read. i try. he makes things obvious. buys me a present. and then acts like he doesn't care.

i had a young girl tell me he likes me. it was funny.

some things are still funny. not many. but some. i like funny. i thrive on funny.

can't wait till this psych study starts. gives me something to look forward to.

My Dreams

I have plenty of dreams

none of which I believe I will ever achieve

well MAYYBEEE I'll become a psychologist.

which at the moment feels like my only achieveable dream

finding someone to love

impossible

finding someone who loves me

even more impossible

a family

impossible

a future

impossible

happiness

impossible

why even try?

A stranger

Once you were all strangers

now i consider you friends, enemies,

pains, tolerables, ex's, future ex's, dreams,

wastes of space, the drunk on the street corner,

the librarian, the doctor, the lecturer, the nurse, the policeman,

the barrister, the lovely lady who buys coffee every tuesday morning.

now you're barely strangers

although there are two customers every morning who make me smile,

they are strangers cos i can't remember their names, and can barely remember their occupations

but i know their coffees, a standard cappacino and a tall flat white.

both enter with smiles

both ask how i am

how uni is going

both encourage me to smile

both tell me i make the best coffee

boost my ego

make me happy

both are nice people..

Without Wings

My Crush
HAHAHA oh cos I don't talk about them enough.
Honestly. I don't even know if i actually have one...
too tired to think
bye

Your Parents.
Mother --
Amazing
Stong
Beautiful
Munchkin
Sweet
Caring
Hard Worker
Difficult to live with
Love dearly
Wouldn't be able to live without her
Always puts us kids first

Father-
Young, Stupid Boy
Needs to grow up
Difficult to live with
Still love him
Maybe one day

My Siblings
1 -
Male
17
Love
Miss
Lost
Patience
Come home

2 -
Male
12
Twin
Love
You hurt him, I kill you
slowly and painfully
until you learn that messing
with my brother is the most
stupid thing you will ever
ever ever do in your entire life

3-
Male
10
Sweet
Forgotten
Lost
Love

<3

Waiting for So Long, What have I become?

So no blog posts for a while
not much to say.
haven't done much
need to move on from High School
he's not interested
i know that
and it's stupid
and lame
and maybe even hurting me

also need to move on from the other
he has just been presenting me with mixed messages
that my brain can no longer handle
and i'm tired
i'm bored
i'm lonely
so i'm no longer trying

cocktails with the B Girls tonight
excited
church with the Em Factor tomorrow
should be fun
especially if i meet Sushi ;)
training tomorrow too
i WILL go
i need to go
it keeps me sane

been going to uni
big debate in class
I was practically the devil's advocate
all for the criminal
all against the system
even though the crim was a freak
talking about the fritzl case to be honest
i was all about mitigating factors that it's likely noone thinks about
i wasn't excusing case
but trying to get others to think about other factors
and to not just label him a freak
mmm... was fun
lecturer was a little thrown
especially since i am the only 1st year student in the class
and i was talking more, arguing more, and actually had some valid points.
really hoping to do really well this semester
well i'm trying... so good start

but yeah
other than uni
which has started off well

i'm lonley
i'm sad
but i'm fighting
i'm reading
i'm seeing what has caused the holes
the breakages
i don't know how to fix them yet
but i know why they are there
and thats step one...
:)

Take a Breath and Softly Say Goodbye

So. No postings for a while, and nothing to report... Such a boring person! haha

But! I have a formal tomorrow, so definitely give you the rundown Friday morning once I have awoken from my drunken haze. For now, I will leave you merely with poems I have writtten, none of which relate to any people, they are amigious! :D

Why is the world so rich
whilst all the people die?
Why is the land so dry
whilst all the people cry?

How can we let life go
without even a fight?
How can we stay afloat
when it's easier to let go?

Doesn't anyone wonder?
Doesn't anyone care?
What about the constant pain?
What about the constant lives slain?

Doesn't anyone notice?
Couldn't anyone spare?
Just one cent, one thing
To help save another?

Selfish
Lies
Broken
Lives

Meet our world
Corrupted, alone
In its own Isolation
When all we have to do is try

I let them read
See my thoughts
They take with greed
Shinning in their dishonest eyes

I try to run
I try to hide
They find it fun
To hurt my pride

I spend so much time
Use all my effort
They laugh and laugh
At all my work

I hate these people
I hate this life
Everything so depressing
Everything so wrong

Let me go
Help you see
That there is more to life
Than hurting me

I sat on the ground
Isolated, alone
For no-one notices
The girl with the crooked eyes

Leave us alone, I hear girls cry
You only like us for our legs
Our breasts, our looks
Not for us

I turned away
I tried to run
But I saw nowhere to turn
Only could I hear
Only could I cry
For no-one notices
The girl with the crooked eyes

Leave you alone?
To us they won’t near the others
Screamed. And why?
Cos our hair isn’t right?

It was then I cried
At least they knew where they stood
I knew, I sighed
No-one could Love the girl with the crooked eyes

I watched him from across the room
His blue eyes moving ever so slow
His body rippled beneath his shirt
But he'll never notice me

His smile bright by day
The same smile somewhat quiet by night
He brushed his locks from his face
But he'll never notice me

Me, the girl who can't speak out
For shyness rules my speech
Me, the girl with the crooked eyes
For sight lacked in each

His muscular hand I wanted in mine
I wanted his touch, his love
I knew, I sighed
He'll never notice me

Me the girl who knew his name
But will never speak it
Me, the girl who had no fame
But wished he didn't need it

How I wished he'd notice me
Maybe one day he shall
But never, oh never
Will he love me

Okay, So thats it, I'm sick of being alone, i'm tired of feeling like there is noone there for me anymore, and even if there was, that they don't really care about me. I know that there are people there, and that this is just some passing phase where i am, yet again, seeing the negative in everything and not wanting to see the positive.

Problem: I don't want everyone's pity, i don't want the nice inbox messages telling me to fight through, or asking me if i'm okay! Of course i'm okay, if i wasn't okay i wouldn't be blogging, i wouldn't find the strength to blog, i wouldn't bother. it wouldn't be worth it. Of course i'm going to fight through. haven't i been doing so for ages. i have been fighting the low times since at least the divorce, or it could have started with the abuse. i don't know. but i know i'm going to keep fighting. ive got nothing more to lose.

i know people are just trying to be there for me. show me that i'm not alone. but their sympathy isn't what i want. i just want a friend. someone who can treat me like a normal person, and chill out, or invite me out. someone who doesn't act like im a baasket case. sigghhh

maybe i'm just asing for too much?

I'm tired of Running, I'm tired of Hurting

I wonder if anyone even reads this blog... :P

Oh well, it is still good posting for myself.

So I have to write an essay about what Taekwondo means to me.

First draft right here!!! :D

When asked to write this essay I thought it’s be easy! Taekwondo has been a major aspect of my life for the past 15 – 16 years, so one would think writing about it would be simple. However, as I began marking off the aspects of Taekwondo that affect many, I began to see that the grain of Taekwondo runs much deeper through me than it being merely a hobby, a pastime, a sport.

Taekwondo is more than a sport, more than a fitness regime, more than poomse or sparring competitions, more than medals, grading and dans, more than competition. More than pride, ore than failure, more than winning. Taekwondo is more than a hobby, a pastime. It’s worth more than the blood, the sweat and the tears.

Many quit Taekwondo after they obtain their black belt, after they win the gold, once their life has become too hectic. Many leave once they have achieved all they set out to achieve, once they are done. Many set specific Taekwondo goals that once achieved the sport means so much less to them.

I have set goals throughout my Taekwondo career, and I have achieved them. To gain my Black Belt, to train for competitions, to compete to the best of my ability. But there is one goal I have set, which entails many milestones, many obstacles and many triumphs. To be the best person I can be.

I can’t be that person without Taekwondo.
If life had been different, and 16 years ago Mum hadn’t met Bernie and I hadn’t started this sport I now claim to be such a major part of my life, I believe I’d be a very different person now.

No self-confidence, self-loathing, lack of self-control, insecure, sensitive.

Taekwondo has given me more than a black belt, more than a ribbon on my wall, more than the recognition.
Through all the blood, sweat and tears (lots and lots of tears!) Taekwondo has created a stronger person. Has created someone I am proud to be. The sport, more specifically the people, has been there for me as I faced major challenges in life. They have been there for me on my darkest days, during my hardest struggles and I am forever indebted.

Taekwondo means more than the world to me. For it is a major part of my world and whilst I try hard to complete another major milestone in my Taekwondo career I am no where near completing my goal of being the best person I can be, and therefore I have another 15 years ahead.

Take a Deep Breath.

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors

It's the morning of your very first day of a new life

of a new beginning

it's the chance you've been looking for

the opportunity to fight the mold you're living in,

and take a new step into the new future

I have a new future to look forward to (moving out of home)
hope for the future
new friends
new aspirations
and can pull away from the hated years
can pull away from the high school times
be the person i always wanted to be
if i'm careful to look before i fall
and to know who i'm supposed to be.

but i wont fall for the terrible moulds people place me in
im not supposed to be anyone.
anyone at all

except for me
and thats the only person i will be
me and forever more

so here i am on the edge of a new life
taking a leap of faith
forcing myself to throw away the heavy baggage on my thin shoulders
forcing myself to take my hair down look after myself.
do what i want and not what others want to be

me staring into the void of taekwondo training.
knowing i want to go back to where i was
before before life took over before this void of unhappiness and stress started eating away at me the time when it was my escape,
my happiness

had first training session this weekend.

smiled

had first shift where i didnt care

smiled

trained for 4th dan

smiled

spent time with BB

smiled.

All I need now is my Romeo....
But I need to remember that i'm not a princess,
and that this isn't a fairy tale.

I'm naieve, i don't have a chance
but i still think i love you
even though you're an ass
and i hate you.

you lost me
i am now floating in a void of depression
and unhappiness cos i cannot delete you from my life
short time
big effect
you effected me more than you should have
more than you deserved to be allowed to
fuck you.

but you ass
it's too late to catch me now...

but new people
new love
you don't know it yet
but i'm gunna find someone, someday thats going to actually treat me well
like i deserve
and maybe one day you'll notice me
and think of me
in the same way i think of you.

Hey! Can't have it all can we...