100 Years

So

Wilfred was stolen.

Thats car number two in 2 months.

Trust

So shitty

but love the blacks and james who are gunna drive me around today.

thank god for friends ey!

x

Raise Your Glass

I need to stop
avoiding life
avoiding myself
avoiding change
avoiding growing up


I need to stop being so insecure
and childish
and grow the fuck up


ARGH!
Anger at myself
for my inability to express emtions unless i drink
and then they all torrent out.
all my upset
all my anger
all my fears
all hit me
at once
and i'm suddenly a mess


fuck off
x

formspring.me

Ask me anything :) http://formspring.me/binxaa

Cat & Mouse

Waiting for change
waiting to grow up
waiting to be happy

but hating change

sigh

i can't have everything in life
but here i am dreaming of it

the prefect man
the perfect house
the perfect family

good grades
bills paid
job i love

good friends
teakwondo
smiles

a girl can't have it all
but a girl can dream?
can't she?
x

Filling Silence

Another day at work
at least i like my job
well one of them anyway

i rekon i could always be a receptionist
although i'd get bored pretty soon
i've nearly learnt everything
so it's likely boredom is going to sit in soon anyway
:P

New piercings
family don't know yet
they are kinda cool
well i think so anyway
give me an edge
maybe i can finally get rid of this bloody - good girl- label i possess

not that i have anything against being well beahved, dignified, classy etc
but i'm sick and tired of people thinking i'm protected
precious
in need of help

fuck off

i'm a tough person
alot tougher than first thought
yeah, i have my down times
the times when i struggle
the times when i just want to give up and stop fighting
man, i have those times all the time

but i never give up
i never stop struggling
i just fight through
even when it hurts so bad
even when it looks like it'll never end, or improve
but now i'm fucking stonger than most people
i'm happier than the false 'emo's
and i'm real

as real as the sun in the sky, the wind in your hair and the dark of the night
i'm as real as the air you breath, the summer heat or the winter chill
everything about me is real
nothing is imagined
i am who i am
and whilst i hate me most the time
i still wouldn't change a thing
instead i'd fight to be me
i do fight to be me
and i'm proud
x

Wisdom, Justice & Love

sigh
someone is an idiot
knowing he reads this
and then posting something that seems like i'm upset with him


just so you know
i'm not
in fact
i fully agree and support your decision


it's actually all me


i hate feeling i'm alone
cut off from the world
wanting to run, hating my heart.
but hey
you gotta be alone to find someone


so i'll just chill out. .
enjoy life
spend some time with me for a change
not driving people around
doing 1,200 kms in 2 weeks.


spending my money on others drinks and maccas
spending my time with people and never sleeping
giving more than i should
and never recieveing back.


so don't stress boy
not everything in my life is about you
and there is nothing you could say or do to change me
still friends.
still happy
still me.


thats all one can ask for.
x
Now i'm just going to wait for the right one.
Your allowed a few misses, just as long as one day it all works out! :D

Without You

Loves how things work out

or more than often don't in her world.
but hey
what can ya do
get over another hurdle (that looks remarkably like every other fucking hurdle)
put yourself totally into what you love (hello unlimited Taekwondo)
and pull through


time to study i say
prove that nothing can stop me


fuck life
x

Victims Of Love

So now that I know you're analysing my every word

i can be very specific

as well as non descript

and know you are reading

and hopefully understanding

and learning

I think this is easier than getting me drunk! :P

not that i've got anything against getting drunk! :P

So. basically. to put it bluntly.

i'm afraid to trust

i'm afraid to love

i'm afraid to be me.

i don't like rejection

or judgement

or peoples opinions of me

I'm afraid that if people get to know me they'll run the opposite direction

gosh i make jokes about that to you now

and yet.

i used to be able to just stop thinking

if i liked a guy

i would just not allow myself to think of them

i'm work heaps

study

do anything to keep my mind off them

even when i was dating them

i'd avoid speaking to them

get into trouble for my lack of communication

& then everything ends

and i wonder why i continue making the same mistakes

But i seem to be talking to you still.

In fact.

I seem to think about you all the bloody time

even if it's just a smile to myself about you calling me beautiful

or a slight amount of memory loss from the other night that i am trying in vain to fill. :P

but either way you're always on my mind

i wonder when you're working

when i'll see you next

sigh.

no more talking bianca

time to get offline

and do something with your time

something other than facebook stalking and writing blogs about you.

:)

Although i do kinda miss you already.

x

You Fight Me

Twin love
Oh we are so strange! :)

hating the internet today.

so slow.

guess thats what happens when you chill at maccas.

fighting with the family again

specifically one person

but i don't want to encourage her by saying her name here.

really need to move out of home

delete a major part of stress out of my life

i'm never at home anyway

i'm always bumming off everyone elses life.

which is going to be harder now without a car.

but hey

i'd do anything to life my own way

be my own self

do whatever the fuck i want

instead of always relying on others to help me out

Damn i forget how different i am to the rest of my family

and how much we clash

i forget why i'm avoiding home

until i go home again

and we fight

at least i got people like mama bear to let me stay at hers.

Love my friends

:)

All for now

x

The Messenger

i thnk about you
all day
most days
and i think i'm going crazy
i feel depressed and i remember the nice things you say
like that i'm 'beautiful
or that you care
and i start to smile

is it a problem that thinking of the fact you care keeps me waking up
you're not the only thing that makes me happy
but you are making me happy
and whilst this is definitely good
it also scares me
that i'm allowing someone to have such a manopoly over my emotions
my emotions
i don't even show emotion
let alone allow anyone to make me feel any specific way.

and yet here i am
still fighting off this ever looming haze
it's like a fight against myself, the world and everything ever
it's so tiring
i just want to sleepa dn never wake up
and then i think of what will happen if i never wake up
and i get upset that i'll never see you, and my friends and my family again
and i decide to try harder

i'll pull through
and be a happier person
i hope
i dream
i wish

and if not
then at least i'll die trying!

See you tomorrow
x

Something Else

I feel like i'm changing
growing older
becoming what people expect me to become.
but losing myself.
losing my identity
creating this thing, this person,
that looks like me
has my voice
but isn't me.


i don't know how to find myself again
and find whatever it is that identifies me as a person
instead i'm just drowning in the headlights of lifes judgement
never able to fulfil what people expect
always coming short
never being what people expect or what people want


all of me is just an image
just a surface
is there anything left inside?
or am i just supposed to travel through this mundane life without question.
waiting for the day when it all improves?
x

Living a Dream

watching everything from the other side of the glass
the ever changing scene
beneath my ever the same self
the seasons
the growth
the change
but myself ever the same

it's like watching life
feeling the age
feeling the years
but never learning
never accepting

cycles
bringing you down
keeping you afloat
but never letting you live
you finally trust
finally smile

and they bring you crashing back down to earth
so you are never sure what to believe.
are you really living
or is this all really a dream?
x

Face The Strange

decided last blog seemed depressed

but i'm not feeling depressed

just indifferent

and strange

like one aspect of my life is amazing

actually a few aspects are

but i still can't seem to get rid of the ever looming fog.

so irritating.

i should be able to look at the positives, see they out weigh the negatives.

i'm a logical, analytical person

that is easy for me to see

but i can't seem to get myself to believe it

it's like emotions vs logic

but in my own mind

and no matter what i say

i can't believe it.

so irritating.

:

x

Waiting For The End

To make a difference in ones world

To change a life

To create a new world

Where someone is new, alive

How amazing would it be?

instead i watch as people falter

as they refuse to push through the pain

push through the difficult times and see the good times later

Hey, what am i saying

that was me not long ago

and still at times if i'm not careful

always consciously aware of my feelings

of my thoughts

not continuously watching out for that change in behaviour

fearing what it may do to me

avoiding what may end up another spiral.

i'm not sure if this behaviour is right

but i don't know how to stop it.

the worst feeling in the world is when you can feel it creeping up on you

the dark swirls slowly filling in the corners of your vision

where you stare at the world ahead with such hope and joy

all the bright colours, the sun, happiness

when slowly your mind fills with the negativity

and slowly you begin to see dark circles, which grow

prosper

take over

and then you're stuck

in a depressed state

the blackness having completely taken over your mind

and all you can see is the end.

not only is it all you can see

but it's all you want to see

you're just waiting for the end

****

""To drown out the voices in your head,

to bury the noise deep within your soul.
Where no one can find it, and you can no longer hear it.

The never ending scream.

I don't want to hear it,

Nothing anyone can say will bring me any further down.

Whether that's due to me already hitting rock bottom,

or because I am the stronger person I don't know.

All I know is that my head is splitting at the seams,

there is nothing holding me together other than

useless and hopeless dreams.""

****

How simple it all seems

How writing about life, and how one feels

can be broken into a paragraph

but noone ever really considers anything past that paragraph

what about what someone is really feeling but is too afraid to say

couldn't the paragraph be a general outline where the actual emotion is too great or to complicated to explain?

No idea

B x

In A Memory

When you feel you're alone
cut off from this cruel world
your instincts telling you to run

listen to your heart
those angel faces
they'll see you to you
they'll be your guide
back home where life leaves us blind
love keeps us kind
it keeps us kind !

when you suffered it all
and your spirit is breaking
you're growing desperate from the fight

Remember your loved
and you always will be
this melody will always bring
you right back home

When life leaves us blind
Love, keeps us kind!
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind!

What a beautiful song.

Seriously, you should actually listen to it. It's beautiful.

Don't really have much else to say.

few random things of note.

'bear' says I should write lyrics and music.

May give it a shot

may be hard, but hey, gotta love a challenge.

Hip pain is pretty bad. Hopefully will improve asap! :(

and my love goes to you.

My thoughts

my prayers (and I don't pray! :P)

this song

and my best wishes

will go to you

your family

and i wish you all the best

good luck

and i will be here.

waiting

x

Dedication

You are not alone

You are never alone

I am always here

He will always remember you

as you will always remember him

but more to the point.

Cos i'm much better at writing than speaking

guilt

love

loss

confusion

all are things one will feel

all are things one should never feel wrong about feeling

Just remember I am here

I am always here

and I always will be here

I can't say anymore

Cos this is too hard

Goodbyes are too hard

Just remember I love you, and you should call at any hour

any day

any time

any place

any state

and i will be there for you.

<3

x

Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)

Bianca:

knows she isn't alone anymore
that people care
like all 'the boys', and Mama bear, and Em.
and the blackwomen and D, and G and all the TKD gang


and now she knows that 'bear' care's too.
Why?
cos he told her so.
and made her feel complete.


all she care's about
is that she's no longer alone.
x

New Divide

:)


Well not completely.
Gosh. No one can go from depression to normal happiness within like 2 weeks.
i still have moments where i hate me
where i don't want to be me
and where i don't want to wake up in the morning
where i don't want to wake up ever again.


But usually i remind myself of the things that make me happy
and force myself out of bed.
and then as the day progresses i improve
and i go to bed happy.


So really.
Can't complain.
Thanks
x

Again We Rise

So.
Laughing at my blog again are we?
*shakes head in wonder*
Why do people think that through laughing at my blog i'm going to feel offended, upset or anything at all.
In fact. I write this blog for myself, and myself only. Sure, I allow you all to read it. but thats not cos i care what you think. or really anything at all.
This blog allows me to get the flimsy lose emotions out of my head. encourages me to see the positives and allows me to begin thinking deeper into my world.
has nothing to do with anyone else at all.
but sure. think whatever you like.


Thursday.
Nationals.
Uncontested.
Hello Gold medal. :P
BUT! They aren't putting me on till 5pm.
Long day of sitting around. Doing absoluted nothing. Yay :


'Bear'
You seem to be making me happy
This in itself is strange.
Someone else
who seems to help me smile.
who seems to just like me!
it's an amazing thing


me trusting someone enough
someone actually liking me for who i am. not for who i pretend to be.

Wow. Life is great at the moment

even exams going well.

fuck yes!

Peace out

x

Walking on Sunshine

Chillin'with some people I love.
Having seen others today too
Good day
smiles all round

better than yesterday! haha

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EM FACTOR THOUGH!

Everybody Runs

So, I'm watching myself pull apart my own happiness…

I'm pulling apart 'bear' as usual, to find faults. Reasons to run away.

How absolutely fucked is it that the only faults I can find are his looks. And even then the faults are honestly limited to his fucking hair colour. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Seriously! He's not a bloody male model! But he's still a good looking, masculine guy! With a great personality, who makes me laugh, makes me feel feminine, makes me feel like a real person! Someone that actually seems to like me for me! And here I am, literally less than a month after meeting the guy, pushing him the fuck away.

So then, I start bitching about the fact he could be using me. So could any guy retard! But you'll never find out if you don’t give them a chance! Why am I so bloody scared of trusting someone? Of letting myself go? Of sharing my time and myself with someone? Why is it all so fucking hard?

ADSDAAAAAAFGDVTCECTVYBFVTGCDXFVBGJYVFTCECXRSDYUHJMOIOKIJUINM,OL;

Anger...

Making a Difference

So.

Life is looking up.

Well at least different

I'm actually loking forwars to waking up most mornings

I have something to look forward to

I don't have any idea what caused this change.

Like I understand some of the small differences

But it wasn't like there was one major thing that caused this.

Heaps of small things I presume

There's friends.

They've been picking up lately.

I'm spending time with people I care about

And loving every minute.

I'm missing people as they are away this week. But i'm sure everything will be great once they come back

I'v been spending time with Em factor

Which is great

always good for a laugh or two.

Fantastic times recently

Pancakes yesterday, Love heart lattes

clothes shopping, smiles, laughter

Bloody awesome

Then there is 'bear'

who makes me smile.

Makes me feel special, and real

only early days (very early days)

but hopefully things will continue going along this way

and things will stay amazing.

very happy about this new 'thing'

Just uni

3 jobs

work

work

work

oh and a bit of training mixed in.

but i'm feeling pretty awesome...

for now!

:P

Hopefully things will continue.

Cos I'm lovin' it

xx

You'll Find Me

read a friends blog.
saw her happiness
felt like crap.

it's strange how someone else being so happy brings you down.
i sit here
and try to figure out what she has done that's so different to me
that has allowed her to achieve this happiness.

Maybe i should stop trying to be happy
maybe i just need to live life and happiness will come with it?

sigh. JA & C,
two different people
both used me in their own ways.
So did A & JK though.
I love being used & abused..
ha ha ha

stop trying
stop searching

and they'll find me

I Don't Care

Been a while

Last uni assignment complete

exams in 4 weeks

Nationals in 5

Training

Studying

Working

Thats my life for the next 5 weeks

AND I still need to go out and have a life.

Life's looking up

about bloody time

:D

The Hardest Part

How is it that something can bring you so much pain but so much joy at the same time?
How is it that I can barely walk, barely breathe and my head is pumping, but at the same time i'm fighting back a smile?
How is it that I feel like bursting into tears cos the end seems to far,
Because my goal seems unobtainable.
How is it that I feel like I need to break every single bone in my body, and replace them in a different position. So that way I can stop making stupid mistakes.

It's my backbone
It creates me
You can't have me without it
but it brings me physical pain
mental pain
and emotional relaxation

I feel better when I am there
Better straight after
But pain too.

And pain during..

Sigh

I love Taekwondo too much

Tears don’t fall

Trying to help a friend with life.

Trying to support my own life.

Trying to be there for my younger brothers

Trying to be there for my mum

Trying to be there for my other friends

Trying to smile

Trying not to cry

Trying to bea strong person

Trying to not let others see

It's a never ending effort

It's a never ending fight

Stretching too thin

Don't know how long I can go on like this...

But, keep going till I break apart I suppose.

At least I have moments of Bianca time.

Even though they are fleeting.

They are there.

Just felt the need to enlighten you all with the image that changed my life.

EyeloveyouDavinaFaifer

Had enough

So.
life is shit.
but hey
what can ya do?

Just trying to get by every day.

maccas is the only reason why i get out of bed.

taekwondo is the only reason why i want to be here tomorrow.

friends are the only thing keeping me sane.

& love is something i'm missing.

yay

Overwhelmed

Don't have much to say...

Not much happening.

i feel indifferent

well great whenever i train

indifferent everyother time

just chilling in a warm family room

after eating dinner

and icecream

i want more icecream

and i COULD go buy some

BUT that would mean moving from this house

someone want to bring me some? :)

chilling with a puppy

Kenzi!

cute!

:)

work tomorrow.. ceebs. :

Then an appointment.

then Steph should be coming over

hopefully

:)

wooooottttt

sleeeeeeeeep

x

Speed of Sound

So.
Gold in States
now looking at the cost to go to nationals.
not cheap
and Black Woman wants to come with
beautiful girl
but should be a fun day!
:)

D and G have saved me i think
i have set a goal
i have something to work towards
and i am forever greatful

thankyou

The End

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

I tell Em everything

There is no fear

No distance

No real secrets

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I used to hate it

Now there are parts I like

It's more inside I hate at the moment

But maybe I'll like that one day too?

Watch Over Me

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

My one and only

Your family will pull through

I know its hard

But I'm here

And he will always remember you

You complete him, as does your mum and sister

Whilst his body may let go

And his mind may wander

I know he'll always love you

I'm sorry I wrote this

I know you don’t think or talk about it

But I do

And I love you

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

A pinky promise?

I need to make one of those.

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Sneha

My little beautiful girl

With her upside down smile

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

India

I know that’s not someone

But it's something

Where I faced many someone's

Like Sneha

And many others

But if I have to say one person

It'd be Bernie.
He's been there for me, always

And means more to me than I think he knows.

Dirty Little Secrets

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

I judge everyone by my first impression

I usually trust it to

Sometimes I ignore it

And begin to trust people I told myself not to

And then I get hurt

So I'm learning to trust my first impression.

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

I wanted to give you a second chance

And be friends

But then you began to back stab me

So sorry. But your second chance is up

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Some random

At some bar

Called Pat

Before that, Alex.

That one actually meant something to me. But some things just aren't meant to be I suppose

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

My favourite memory

I wonder what that actually is

I don’t know what it is.

But I'm sure it was caused by my family.

Pulling Teeth

I mowed the lawn today.

Blisters on my hands

But I feel much lighter

Like I had to much pent up energy and frustration

And so I just exercised and let it all out

The blisters feel amazing

Like all the hard work meant something

I need to train tonight

Do my patterns intensely

Feel the energy pumping around

Get annoyed at myself

Rebuild my energy

My anger

My frustration

So it all build up again

And tomorrow I'm just exploding with anger

So I'm strong

I'm amazing

And I do my best.

How To Save A Life

So,

I owe D so much

He, yet again, saved my ass!

I'm not registered as a TA member, so technically I can't compete tomorrow..

So I called him

Asked him for help

He's already giving me the badge to wear tomorrow

And now he's lying to let me compete

What an amazing person

He deserves to be thanked

thankyou D

You have truly helped to save a moment

I Can't Wait Forever

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

John! :)

He taught me to tie my shoelaces

He made me special

He would play dress ups with me

And always understand what I was trying to say

We were friends, unconditionally

I miss childhood.

Before life became confusing, grownup.

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

There is no specific person.

I like being me

I just don't like me at the moment

But I don’t like anyone else for that matter

So I'd rather be me than them any day.

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Pesters my mind?

Lots of things 'pester' my mind.

But no specific person.

I suppose that’s a good thing

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Besides my dad?

Or is he counted?

Well surprisingly it'd be him

Or Chloe.

Surprising really.

Everyone mentions ex's.

And the way men break your heart.

Well mine are family, and a best friend.

I never get close enough to men for them to break me.

Crazy

I wonder if anyone notices a reoccurring pattern in all of my blogs.

Nothing major

Not a behavior pattern

Or a black and white picture theme

Just a music titled title.

Every single title is; named the name of a song… or the line in a song. :P

Love The Way You Lie

Anger.

It's a hard thing to describe.

Something that consumes you, fills your mind with hate, with red, with total oblivion to reality. Something that takes over, so you can no longer control your thoughts, your actions, you. Something that stops you from feeling anything else. You lose all compassion, all love, all empathy. Everything.

All you have is an all consuming fog. It takes over your mind, your heart, your entire being.

And then it holds you. For days on end. Until you're numb. Until you no longer care if the threats are carried through. Until you just want that object of your anger to go away. To leave you in your mind.

But there are two types of anger. Those that are internal, and those that are external. The all consuming anger that is aimed at the world. Aimed at society, aimed at moral concepts, aimed at yourself. Why should you conform to what people believe? She calls you a pretentious spoilt bitch, and what does she have to prove that you are? And then there is the anger aimed at a person, a specific anger. Something that usually disappears when the person you're angry at leaves.

The person who has upset you, or angered you, or called you names that are ridiculous and degrading has left the fucking building. The person who has shown you absolutely no appreciation for anything. Ignored all those years where she couldn't cope with reality, all those nights where she has forgotten that her two little boys are hungry. Those nights where he son hits her daughter and then just fucks off. And where her daughter just wipes away her tears and makes dinner for the little ones. Those nights where her once husband treats her kids like crap, but her daughter never asks for help. She's just forgotten all those times her once husband calls and abuses her, abuses her children, and her daughter just takes it all on the chin. Stays strong for the others. The nights where her daughter believes she needs a night out to be herself, to begin a new life, so her daughter stays at home with the little boys.

All forgotten.

All past memories.

All a waste of time. Because now her daughter is a spoilt, inconsiderate, pretentious little bitch. Someone expendable. Someone that once you get bored of you can just throw away with the garbage.

And the worst type of anger. The one that consumes you for days. The one which makes you the hating, angry person you are. The anger that sits in your gut until you feel sick. The anger that you swallow, you don't let out and you just let slowly take over you. Both mixed together.

The anger where you are so angry at the world, all the people in it and reality. The anger where you just want to yell and scream and punch something.

All consuming.

All timeless

People say that holding onto anger is dangerous. That it’s the worst someone could do holding anger in their gut. Waiting for it to subside. I wonder if it ever does. It seems to remain. Sitting there, taunting, hunting. Its something you have to feed, control and keep alive.